A Defiant HIV+ Bareback Fucker

My Predicament (a status check)

2012-02-06T07:13:00.000-08:00

Over the past year I have been trying to complete the three entries that I call My Predicament. I was able to finish the first one easily, the second one was a little more of a challenge, and the third is even more difficult.

The reasons for this difficulty are numerous. First, the whole idea is to put into short story form bits and pieces of my reality. The first 'episode' is history really. I no longer cruise college restrooms for sex (although I am in no way opposed). The second entry was harder because I am still living it, and suspect I will be for a while, but I was able to step back a little to see what I was trying to write. The third is not completed as this is still something that is on the cusp of getting started in my life. Whether or not I actually start living the third stage depends on a lot of things. And these things are in no way settled.

Another reason that I have found it difficult to write is less about my own internal struggles and desires and more about my family. My partner of almost two decades has been in a battle for his life against blood cancer. It started as Myelodysplastic Syndrome (MDS) which is classified as a sort of pre-cancer. It has now progressed to full blown Acute Myeloid Leukemia (AML).

Normally, when faced with emotional and anxiety ridden situations I make a beeline for sex. I know it is an escape and avoidance tool for me. In fact, I did exactly that recently, after a particularly stressful few days. The issue here though is that I am living way to close to what I am trying to write about in the third entry to actually be able to see what the story really is. That, and my normal tension of resisting something that could have bad consequences for me in spite of an overwhelming desire to proceed.

I suspect that when I have finally written the third piece that all three will need to be re-written as a cohesive unit. There are things that are not totally clear and all three are intended to say something about life that I do not think I am getting at.

One thing that I am going to try and do more of is write. This may mean I complete these three soon, or it may mean I need to go down other paths first so that the story can come to the surface.

Time will tell.

My Predicament Pt. 2 (A Trilogy)

2011-10-30T23:54:00.000-07:00

I have been fucking for over three hours. This is the sixth hole tonight. I have not cum. No condom has touched my cock.

The guy below me is face down, grunting as I grind into his gut. What he feels or thinks is not important at all. What 'is' important is this sensation deep in my groin that I pursue with each thrust. I know there is risk here. I try to resist getting myself into these situations, I try to take care of things with my own hand. Instead, I wind up at sex clubs like this and I grind and fuck and drill myself senseless.

There was a time when I was afraid to fuck. I would only permit myself to receive head. I wouldn't even suck dick for fear of what I might catch. That fear is not entirely gone, but the need to stimulate my cock has grown stronger than the fear. Now I sometimes go to these clubs or parties where I know I will have my pick of a dozen holes or more.

As is the case with so much in my life, the way I got here was not of my own making. A boy from Spain is really to blame. I found him on the Men4SexNow hook up site through which we arranged a meeting at his place. He said he would indulge me in the activity which I was weakest to resist; long slow head to completion. I was on my way in a flash.

When I arrived he let me into his second floor apartment. There were boxes stacked all around and the place was mostly disassembled. He apologized. He would be moving in just a couple of days. He pulled me into his bedroom without closing the door, he dropped to his knees and unbuttoned my jeans. Since I don't wear underwear my cock was in his face with the second button and he started licking the tip while working my jeans undone. Into his mouth my cock went and I was not disappointed.

He had me trapped instantly and hunger filled my nuts. Sucking slow and deep, he managed to get me so hard that my cock ring felt too tight. He stopped and looked up at me with a grin. He seemed to be judging just how much control he had established. He pushed me into his office chair, my jeans at my feet, so he could resume spinning his little web for me.

He managed to get me close to cumming but skillfully backed me off while never letting my cock out of his mouth. I sank into the feeling. I would be going nowhere until this was done. After a couple rounds of this he jumped up, stripped and got into his bed, instructing me to follow. Of course, I did exactly that. He lay flat on his stomach with his face at my crotch and me on my knees, the same position I had found to be so rewarding under public bathroom stall walls. He resumed sucking and edging me, making me more and more incapable to resist what was to come.

I had a perfect view of this boy's body laying in front of me, his ass being the most prominent feature in view. I had to touch and caress it. He arched up and moaned at my touch which, for some inexplicable reason, made me hornier. His ass was small in my hands, smooth and warm, inviting. But I was only there for head, nothing more.

My friend abruptly stopped sucking my dick and sat up facing me. My groin was not happy with this new lack of attention to my cock. "Wanna fuck me?" he asked. I resisted the offer, "I don't fuck man, sorry." He persisted, "Just stick it in my ass for a little while, just the head of your cock. PLEASE!" I declined further, so he laid down on his back and pulled me on top of him. We kissed. I do not normally kiss guys that I hook up with, but he was hot and his kiss was amazing. I felt his legs wrap around my back and my rigid cock found itself right at the opening to his hole. I grinned and said, "I can't man, sorry."

We stayed in this position kissing for a while, my hunger only growing more intense, when I felt one of his hands putting lube on my cock. I tried to say no again but he kept his tongue in my mouth and kept kissing me, holding the back of my head with his other hand. I felt him guide my cock head right to the entry spot and my head started slipping in. I both panicked and sighed at the same time. The sensation, the fact that this was not something I should do, the fact that there was no condom on my cock and I was sliding slowly right into his warm inviting ass was overwhelming. I almost came that instant. I managed to get my mouth free to tell him this. We both froze on the spot, him with a big grin on his face.

After being still for a bit, my cock head just inside his opening, he tried to nudge me in deeper. I did not resist, but once again felt as if I might cum on the spot, so we stopped. He rolled me off of him and bolted for the kitchen. He returned with ice water. "Here, let me pour this on your cock, it will help." I objected but stood up so he could pour anyway. The sensation was startling, considering how hard and horny I was. He dried my cock, sucked it a little, then jumped back in bed. This time I just climbed back on him without hesitating and managed to get balls deep for a while before filling him with my load. This forever changed things, by crossing that line.

So, that is how I got here, grinding this ass with my bare cock. This hot ass below me. This and at least 8-10 other asses at this sex club tonight. This guy will not get my load, at least not right now. This is only the sixth ass tonight, and I need more. I decide to pull out and look for some head to stir my hunger. I'm on a roll and nothing will stop me tonight. Not even my fear.

My Predicament Pt. 1 (A Trilogy)

2011-07-01T22:07:00.000-07:00

Here I am again, where I swore I would not go. My 501s at my ankles, knees on the floor of the college men's room, the right side of my face pressed hard against the stall wall. My breathing is heavy and I am fully engaged. I am not going to have the will power to get up and walk away from this right now.

I do not have a clue what the other guy looks like. I know he is wearing blue and white high top sneakers, that his jeans are dark blue, and that his skin color lends itself to him being Hispanic or perhaps even of Mediterranean decent. I have seen his shoes and pants and legs before. I get an instant hard on when I see them. Why? Because what I know best of all about him is that his warm, even hot, mouth is exceedingly talented.

His tongue has become very intimately acquainted with the entire shaft of my cock. He has probably sucked me off a dozen or more times, each time perhaps doing it better than the time before. The first time he had me on this floor he discovered all my important buttons in just a matter of minutes and has never forgotten them.

He spins his tongue around the head of my dick making me squirm so that I push my face against the stall wall even harder. I am definitely at the point where I could cum, but this guy knows this and seems to be able to control me in this state. He makes me suffer, just close enough to keep me trapped here on the floor while not achieving release.

Like I said, here I am again. I swore I would not do it anymore. I was going to keep my pants up and keep out of this notorious location. But my dick always has different plans. Maybe I should blame guys like the one working my dick. If it wasn't so hot! If it wasn't so good! If it wasn't so addicting! Maybe I could keep my promise to myself and not come here. Its his fault dammit! He shouldn't be here waiting to suck cock!

Of course, there is no room in my brain for these thoughts right now. I am only concerned about where his mouth is taking me. When will he let me go? When do I get to cum? He sucks faster than he was a bit earlier and I think I am heading for completion. I tense up and get hopeful. I feel the hot liquid in my nuts start to boil, like it will over flow in just a couple more strokes. What does he do? He stops and licks my nuts. FUCK!!!

He repeats this trick five or six times. Each time he does this, when he starts sucking again, I am more horny than I was with the last repetition. Yes, these are repetitions, just like a weight lifter working his muscles with the tools of his game. This, is my game and this guy's mouth is the tool I use to do these reps. Edging is an exercise, especially when one is not a willing participant.

On the sixth rep he starts out as before, gets me to the same place as before, and I anticipate he will do what he has done before. Instead, we hear the restroom door open and we both scramble back to our respectable positions, trying to not make a huge commotion about it. I am flush, and my heart is beating fast. Not in fear from the new arrival, but because my friend has worked my entire body into a frantic state entirely with his mouth and tongue. I look at my cock and it is red and hard and wet. I cannot resist stroking it. I am beyond hungry!

When the guy that interrupted us leaves, I quickly get back under the stall wall. I need more! It takes him no time to get my cock back in his mouth and I am almost instantly at the edge again. He continues the little game of making me wait.

After keeping me on the floor in this position for probably 30 minutes or more he gets me close. Close, close, closer. I worry he will pull his little trick again, which he does but only for a few seconds. This time he is back on my shaft before I can cool down. He sucks me past the point of no return and I feel my whole body want to get inside his mouth as I unload. He does not let go, he does not spill a drop. Even after I stop squirting he continues to suck and swallow, but this makes me cringe with a completely different sensation. This one I have to pull away from.

I get back up on the toilet to clean myself up. He also sits back on the toilet quietly. It appears his intention is to stay longer, perhaps to find another victim to trap with his skills. As I walk out of the restroom and on to the remainder of my afternoon I promise myself that this will be the last time. Really, it will be the last time...

Taking Loads: But Why?

2011-02-19T10:02:00.000-08:00

Since my last entry I have continued to try and wrap my head around what is behind the idea of "taking loads", as opposed to simply getting fucked. Indeed, I am having a hard time in trying to unravel what this means, let alone why it is such a driving notion at times.

There are those, of course, that believe it to be entirely self destructive. On the other extreme there are those that deny this is self destructive and even get pissed at the notion that someone would say this about them. While I do not get pissed at all, I think I would count myself closer to the end of that spectrum that does not view taking loads as fucked up or self destructive. Note, I am not saying it is not a dangerous game to play, I am saying it is not a psychologically self destructive game to play. I think too often things that are actually part of human nature are considered "problems" or "issues" when the truth is, they are just a part of our human make up that we try to deny.

Why do I believe this? I firmly believe in evolution and with that I suspect that humans (especially males) are wired to mate continuously, often, and with everyone. In the straight world this perpetuates procreation. There is no reason to suspect that homosexuals would not have the exact same drives (even if it does not result in procreation - and there may be other evolutionary reasons why homosexuality occurs). Sexual activity is a primitive need, and wanting as much as possible is natural. Wanting to control it or curtail it is the unnatural condition.

To try and understand this I decided to try and identify what conditions would guarantee that I would take as many loads as possible without fear or without being under any type of coercion. Since I usually chicken out, or logistically never seem to organize what it would take, I tried to imagine the "perfect" conditions.

What are these perfect conditions? What if I showed up to SFCockpit on March 12th and hung out a while, getting sucked, fucking, and maybe even taking a couple cocks up my ass? Just enough activity to get me super horny, but without cumming. Then say that I got into a sling for one cute A&F type dude and let him have his way with my hole, only to find myself surrounded by several more hot A&F types wanting their own "hole time" with me. Is there any chance I would bail? Is there any chance that I would not take ALL of their loads? Actually, there is zero chance I would find a way out of that one. I'd get loaded up and stay put for as much as I could get, however long it took!

Does this mean that this is the only scenario in which I would take multiple loads? Probably not, but it certainly would guarantee I would be down for the count, and that I would be going home quite messy. What are the drivers of this certainty?

1) An animalistic gang like scenario
2) My own hormonal needs and sexual drive
3) Hot guys, and perhaps any guys with hard cocks
4) Lots of cum to seal the connections

I think that the truth here is that if I was thrown into a sling without priming the odds would be lower on my completing the task. Starting out with getting super horny, followed by a cute dude getting me in the sling, followed by more cute dudes wanting access equals a VERY sealed deal. What is more, I think that honestly once I was primed that lesser than the A&F hotties mentioned could probably gain access, especially with coaxing from a single hottie that wanted to watch me take it for him.

So, perhaps the thing I mentioned in my last post about taking loads not really being about the top's cock is not so true after all. It is still all about the top and getting his attention. It is also about the group connection. A primitive gang need that is hard to define but certainly hard to resist, once it is in motion. Loads are just a representation of the completeness of both an individual top's attention and that group dynamic.

So, I reverse myself after a bit of consideration. Being a bottom seeking loads is not really self centered. It is anything but self centered. It is, in a way, the most selfless act of providing pleasure to others that one can imagine. It is also a way to participate in the most basic human condition. We are "group animals" and the related needs are represented without mask in the situation of a bottom taking the loads of the many. It almost as if this is about a "pack" condition. I run with the pack, I get nailed by the pack!

Let me become one with the group!

What is a Bottom?

2011-02-14T00:16:00.000-08:00

I have had numerous guys that I have fucked over time lament the fact that I appear to be on a slide to the bottom. Even some guys that I have not yet fucked who like my dick and wanna try it out have objected. Since letting go and trying out my bottom side like never before I have certainly discovered that tops (especially good ones) are in rare supply. But what exactly is a bottom?

It is pretty easy for me to define what a top is, or what drove me to be a top for years, even decades. As a top I was super focused on my cock and making it feel good. I also had a thing for dominating some guys, but first and foremost it was a selfish thing about making my cock feel awesome.

It started as an insatiable need for good head. Head through glory holes, under stall walls in public restrooms, sitting back in some guy's bed or chair letting him have at it. During one such session at a young Spanish guy's house we were in his bedroom and he was sucking away when he all of a sudden changed the subject on me. He wanted my raw cock in his hole. I resisted for a good 30-45 minutes, but he won. With that he ignited something in me that to this day drives me to want to fuck ass.

What is a top? A guy focused on his cock and whatever it takes to make it feel good. A guy that needs to deposit seed wherever and whenever he can. Basically a self centered bastard (trust me, that is not meant as a complaint).

And a bottom? What is a bottom? I have to ask myself why I so need to get fucked in recent times. What changed?

I think there is a range to what a bottom is. On the most intimate end a bottom is a guy that is focused on making his partner's cock feel good. If you look at some porn pictures you can see some bottoms are watching the face of the top closely and intently, looking for signs that he is making the top guy have the best time possible. The more the top moans in pleasure the more pleasure the bottom guy has. In this case a bottom is the direct opposite of a top, focused on the other guy and not at all on himself. This has obvious synergies. It is also not hard to understand why a condom gets in the way of this mutual focus.

There is another type of bottom though that is completely different. There are some guys that seek loads. They are not at all concerned about how the other guys cock feels, they just want loads. This one is hard to unravel. What is this idea and why does it happen? I am not sure I have all the answers to this one right now.

Me? I can be both. When I took my first cock after seroconversion I was all about making the top dude I hooked up with feel good. My focus, and his, was on his cock. It was not about loads, although I wanted his. I did have an element of wanting to break through my long lasting resistance to getting fucked, but it was still all about making that guy feel hot.

Loads? While I have never taken more than three loads in one session, there are times when I want to take as many as I can find. When I am in this state of mind I do not care if the other guy's cock is in a state of ecstasy or not. I just want loads. It is something that completely takes me over. I need cum! I also usually find that I am not logistically able to pull off massive load taking and/or I chicken out.

March 12th? If the mood is right and the fear is low, I will finally find out if I can take a ton of loads. The idea of 12 or more loads overflowing makes me hornier than just about anything else. In that sense, wanting to take loads in mass is more like being a top. Self centered, but in a very different way.

Right now, tonight? I am more in top mode than anything else, but if the right guy presented a nice challenge I'd slip right down on his dick without hesitation to try and make him feel the best he can feel. Not really in a "loads mood".

Surprises

2011-02-12T20:09:00.000-08:00

I was recently scanning through POZ Personals online, curious about guys that might be nearby that are poz to maybe hit up for friendship or whatever. The personals found there are a bit different than barebackrt.com since most of them actually start with a face pic. vs. an ass or cock pic.

As I scanned through them I ran across one that floored me. A guy that I had fucked around with many times and had always assumed he was HIV-. Turns out he has been HIV+ a bit longer than me, by about 5 or 6 years. I am sure I have fucked him since he became poz as well. I mentioned him in my post Names or No Names some time back as one of three guys, him being the only HIV- one that I had as repeat fuck buds.

I have since communicated with him and made sure he knew that I now know and that it did not make a difference. I also let him know that the fact that he did not tell me was of no concern. To be fair, I assumed his status and did not ask. And, he certainly does not owe me any explanation at all. I think it makes us a bit closer now, although we have not hooked up. I think he actually has hooking up with guys on a severe curtailment path right now to avoid potential issues, which is something I should probably take as a suggestion, but I won't... Like I said before, it is virtually impossible for me to keep my pants on...

I scanned through other profiles and found another guy that I know. I never slept with him, but I have known him for over ten years. My impression of him is such that if he found out about me being HIV+ he would just think that I deserved what I got for being careless. He is also so brash that he would probably say that point blank to my face. But, there he was. HIV+ since 2004. I was rather shocked to say the least. I had heard he was a horn dog, but had no idea...

Lesson here? Anyone you know could be HIV+. Most of us keep it to ourselves and tell few people if we tell anyone. The person you work with, go to lunch with, share a ride with on the way to work in the morning. Any of them could be HIV+ and you would have no idea. Hopefully if any of them are HIV+ one hopes they know their status and are taking care of themselves.

Oddly that last guy being HIV+ gave me a bit more confidence that I am not really all that much of an outsider. I often say that I am fine about these things, but honestly there is a bit of a nagging sense sometimes that I am different. These discoveries bring me back to that place where I can tell myself (and rightly so) that I am a good guy and anyone that would condem me because I am HIV+ is actually the one that should examine themselves. Cuz they got the problems...

March 12th?

2011-02-12T07:32:00.000-08:00

I say yes!

Let's call it "12 Loads for March 12th"! I am going to let go of all rules and all fear to get to the goal of 12 loads on Saturday March 12th. Find me online at barebackrt.com until about 4PM that day then Folsom Gulch and/or City Entertainment across the street until about 9PM. Then SFCockpit til it ends. The 24 hour period defined here is from 5AM on 3/12 til 5AM on 3/13...

Anyone wanna help make sure I take it all?

March 12: Can vs. Should

2011-02-04T21:04:00.000-08:00

For the month of March I will be on my own. My partner is heading out of town for the month and I will stay at home. With that said, there are lots of things to consider. There is a list of things I "should" do as opposed to "can" do and it is not clear right now which one will win out.

First, I should spend time in the backyard getting the garden set for Spring. I should clean house and do projects that never seem to get done. Seems my partner is always either where I want to do the project or he can't deal with the smell of chemicals and/or paints. I should also do some reading and writing. The "should" list goes on and on... But, there is always another side of me to contend with.

On March 12 there is another bareback party planned in San Francisco. Unlike previous parties where I really needed to get home by midnight or so I will have no such constriction. The last party I went to I tried my best to set records for both cocks and loads taken. I managed eight cocks (matching my previous record) but received zero loads. I am fairly sure the reason for no loads that time was my leaving before guys were ready to cum. They were all fucking and enjoying their cocks but not at all ready to shoot their loads and conclude their evening. This time? Well, I could stay all the way to the end...

So, that Saturday night I should stay home and snuggle with the animals, perhaps hit the gym, have a glass of wine and go to bed early. I really should... Instead, I might be out getting my ass stuffed with cock, starting with Folsom Gulch where I could try to get the three loads I need to match my current record before heading to the party where I could possibly get to maybe a dozen loads in one night for the first time.

I really should steer clear of that party... Yes, I really should... But, if tonight were the night, I do not think "should" would stand much of a chance...

I Am Writing and I Am Getting Fucked

2011-01-21T21:06:00.000-08:00

I find that I am writing again. Perhaps the word "again" is misplaced, as the previous period where I tried writing was back in college. That period held a disconnected imprecise effort at best. It was so disconnected that my English instructors thought of my short stories as absurdist, something I still think I can identify with. However, I do think I am creating more complete pieces these days.

I am getting fucked again. In this case "again" is a safe term to use. Even so, there is a whole new element to the most recent state of affairs that has never existed in my world before. There was a time when I would get totally plowed under by my boyfriend of the moment. In particul'ar, there was one guy, my first live in relationship, where I learned how to become another guy's complete and total bitch. There were times when I existed only for the pleasure of his cock and nothing else. But, there were limits to what I did and lines I would not cross outside of a limited relationship.

With the end of that relationship, and not long after that college, both the writing and my getting fucked stopped. While I have written a small number of fragments and gotten fucked a very few times since, I would have to classify the long period between then and about a year ago as a very long dry spell.

I am currently working on several short stories, one longer piece about my mother (I am not sure I can call it a book but it is not a short story), and this blog. I try to write every morning and actually seem to be making a fair amount of progress. There is one short story that I will post here, as it will be full of sexual content that many should enjoy, but it is not intended as porn. It is a real piece of artistic writing (dare I use the word literature for my own material?) and will have a story to tell.

Of course, as anyone that reads this blog will know, I have been getting fucked. I have been getting fucked by a great number of guys in the last year, and even seeking/taking loads. While getting plowed is not entirely new to me, the notion of "unlimited no rules let's take cock and loads as we feel the urge" is new to me. With crossing the scary line that kept me so cautious for so long I find myself in the land of "why the fuck not?", and I love it!

I do not think the case can be made that my writing and the notion of me getting fucked again are completely disconnected. Indeed, I think they are very connected. At the very least the fact that I have become HIV positive has opened me up on both fronts. This blog, first and foremost an outlet of personal therapy concerning my seroconversion, was the first thing to get me started in the writing arena, and now I find I am moving this into the other writing elements.

A couple of months ago (back in the October time frame) I had this dream. I woke from it frighted, even terrified. I did some research on the images it had and found the meaning researchers might apply to these images interesting.

First, there was this belligerent individual that was bullying everyone, including me. He was a large loud creature, almost Frankenstein like. At one point he was swirling around a long poll with banners on it. The poll was slicing the air near my head almost hitting me. My boyfriend, who was also in the dream, was not so fortunate. The poll smacked him in the face.

While my boyfriend retreated to care for his wounds I went and informed a police officer of this bully's behavior. As the officer took this guy into another room I checked on my boyfriend. He was bruised, but otherwise ok. We then went to find the police officer to show him what this guy had done. When we found the police officer, he was hanging dead from a noose in a laundry room and the bully was going absolutely crazy. My boyfriend and I ran in fear. I woke up, in terror.

Sounds gross, I know. What the interpretations seem to say about this dream is that the killing of a police officer by a bullying type person indicates that the dreamer has or is about to break down limits/rules in their world that they no longer want/need to live with. This certainly matches my waking world situation. I have crossed over to being willing to fuck and get fucked with no limits outside of current feelings of the moment. Whether this is wise or not is still up for consideration, but it is where I am today... Not long after this dream I went to a bareback party in San Francisco and tried my best to take loads. All I got was eight hard cocks and no loads, but I was willing to set records on both fronts.

A couple of weeks after that dream I had a second one. Again there were police officers, my boyfriend, but no belligerent bullies. The police weakly were able to inform me of something I had done wrong, although I do not know what it was. There was, flooding in that dream and I have not taken the time to investigate what flooding might mean. But, the interpretation of the police being back in control, although weakly, seems to match my current specific state of mind. I might fuck freely, but I am steering clear for now.

Interestingly, in both of these dreams the police officers were Asian. As a total top I had loved to fuck Asian bottom boys. I really enjoy the smooth skin with oily lube on my groin, cock, and hands. Similarly, at that San Francisco bareback party two young hot Asian dudes plowed the shit out of my hole. I find that this Asian guy fetish works for me as a top and also seems to work for me as a bottom.

What's the correlation? Writing in relation to getting fucked? I think the breakdown of my own rules, leading to greater openness in thinking and other actions, has opened up some creative avenues shut off by fear. As fear has evaporated, post seroconversion, I find myself more focused on other things in life and living day to day as if it could all end very soon. This is how I should have lived my life before this happened. Everyday prior to crossing that line is gone and I cannot get them back, but I am not going to waste days going forward.

Look for a short story from me here in the not too distant future. It ought to be interesting.

Key Word Searches

2010-12-27T14:16:00.000-08:00

I find it interesting to monitor the stats for this blog. There are readers from all over the world, even Russia and Saudi Arabia! I find that amazing!

One section that is of particular interest is the key word searches that people use to find reading material, if they are not actually looking for my blog specifically. This morning the list of search terms includes the following:

Loads Taken
Loads Given
Bareback Straight Guys
Cumming Twice in One Session
HIV Defiant Fucker (I like that one!)
HIV+ Party
Two Cocks in One Hole

Another term/phrase that came up recently was very specific. It was more like a question someone was trying to get answered. It was "partner is hiv+ with zero viral count can i get it". When I saw that one I had to post a related comment, as it appears to be someone looking for answers.

First off, I am going to assume that this is someone that wants to bareback, but is afraid to do so. I've been there, so I understand that place and the condition of the mind. "I want it bad, but if I do it..."

Second, it is always best to arm yourself with knowledge. Knowledge about HIV, meds and treatments, and possible outcomes. One of my sources is AIDSMeds.com. The information here seems to be non-judgemental and focused on helping people make decisions about their sexuality and medications (if necessary).

Third, do some soul searching. Are you prepared for the consequences of what the outcome might be if you fuck raw? This is key, as the only way to deal with this successfully (at least from my point of view) is to own your feelings AND your decisions along with all the consequences that come with then. I had that internal discussion long before I become HIV+. I believe that addressing this in advance has helped me cope better than many guys do. I am responsible for me, and that has to be the cornerstone of what I do and where I take my life.

Finally, the specific answer to the question apparent in this search phrase: If you are fucking as a top and your partner has a low viral load count, the odds are that you will not get HIV. That should not be taken as a guarantee that it is completely safe to fuck like this. You could still get it. Guys do. I became HIV+ as an exclusive bareback top. My doctor believes I came across a bottom with a high viral load, but it is still possible that it was someone with a low viral load and I was just unlucky. It happens... If you are looking to bottom all of the above applies but the risk is about 10 times greater. Still unlikely, but more possible.

I want to also address what appears to be a misconception in the terms used for this search. The words "zero viral count" appear to be based on mis-understanding something. The tests used to measure viral load do indeed have a level that we call "undetectable". But, undetectable should not be confused with zero! There are two principal tests used for this and they each have a level where the virus no longer becomes evident (or detectable), but that is only because the tests only go so low (are only so sensitive). In the future we will probably have tests that will get down to an even lower level than the current tests and as such undetectable will have to be redefined as an even lower number. In short UNDETECTABLE IS NOT THE SAME THING AS ZERO OR NO VIRUS.

Anyway, I hope the person that searched with this particular phrase reads this post. It is important that you have all the facts and consider them to make your own decisions. What ever your decision is, ya gotta live with the outcome... I do not want this to come across as judgmental in any way! "I" ONLY fuck and get fucked bareback and have no room to judge others on this subject. I only want to encourage personal responsibility for wherever you take your life. If you choose to fuck raw and find me somewhat interesting, look me up when you are in the SF Bay Area! ;-)

Peace!

In a Perfect World

2010-12-24T09:43:00.000-08:00

Of course, there are many things I remember from my past, but the events that are often most vivid are those where I did something wrong. These events stand out, for some reason, like a flashing light in a dark sky filled with steady star light.

In the Navy, as part of our routine daily and weekly activities, we would often have drills to practice certain skills. These drills were to make sure, when faced with a real problem or disaster, that we would be ready. Some of the guys were assigned to fire fighting teams, others to security stations, and so on. Since I had entered the Navy under the Nuclear Power Program, I wound up on a team meant to cleanup hazardous material spills.

One day we had one of these drills. The alarms sounded, and instructions were given. The instructions would tell you the location of the particular problem, what the nature of the problem was, and other important details. I jumped up and ran to the congregation point for my particular team, moving quickly through the ship to get on station. While I knew that a radioactive spill had been announced (making me one of the key participants in this drill) I failed to pay attention to the other warnings in the message. Within seconds of the start of the drill I ran right through the machine shop and dead into the center of the spill, making myself a contaminated individual. I could no longer get to my station because I had made myself part of the disaster. My team mates would have to pick up my part without my help. I clearly remember the Captain standing there with his arms folded and a sour look on his face. I was not the only one that had not paid attention. There were three of us, out of a team of eight.

That was many many years ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. Sometimes I recall it and get that same anxious feeling I had in my stomach that day. An anxious feeling for doing something stupid and letting down the rest of my team and ship. Of course, this is why we had the drills. After that error I never made a similar mistake again, and ALWAYS paid attention to the messages that came with the drills.

How does this relate to my blog? Well, as anyone that reads it will know, I would prefer to be a total all out slut if I can possibly pull it off. I want to ignore all the potential warning signs around me and just get fucked silly by as many guys as I possibly can. Honestly, that is what I really want to do!

Sometimes I get to a point where I actually start down that path. I have had as many as eight cocks up my ass in one night, but regrettably not more than three loads. I always enjoy it while I am doing it. I never feel guilty about having done it afterwards. But there is a sense of anxiety that sometimes creeps in.

I am indeed HIV+, undetectable on both tests used to measure such things, but otherwise quite healthy. I could probably stand to spend some time at the gym and on my bike, but I am not ill or experiencing health issues related to HIV or anything else. There are others that I know that are not so fortunate. I have to ask myself why. Some of it probably has to do with one's genetic make up and differences in how each of our bodies reacts to HIV and medications. For others though, I think it may be something else.

There are a number of things that could make my world harder. These standout like that flashing light in a starry sky. These include the risk of Hep C, a second drug resistant strain of HIV, STDs, etc. While I would love nothing more than to ignore all the flashing lights and warning signs, and just get plowed by 20 or 30 guys in one session, this is not the wisest idea around. Unfortunately I think I must pay attention to the messages being yelled out, or I may regret it. I know this might be a disappointment to some of my readers (as it is for me as well), but reality has a way of calling my name from time to time.

To be honest, though. I am not known for my huge ability to resist temptation, and it is virtually impossible to keep my pants on for very long. This post represents my thoughts and feelings right now. As January 11th and 12th approaches (I will be in San Francisco for a couple of days at that time), I may very well find myself in a different state of mind and hell bent on setting a load count record.

Record or not, you shall hear all about it.

Loads

2010-12-19T10:22:00.000-08:00

If one does the math, the minimum number of loads I will have to take to satisfy my penalty so I can cum is 15 (prior to violations and related punishments). Concievably, when this started, the load count could have been as high as 30, since the minimum number of cocks per penalty load is five and each of those could result in a load. Add in the penalty that is currently leading in the punishment poll and that number could go way higher. If my penalty owner decides to not give me a penalty load before Jan 11th and we assume I have qualified for two by then, then every load I take that night will be in addition to what is remaining (minimally 11 loads if the above is all true). If I were to take 10 loads that night, that would set a record, make me a bit messy, and make for a lot more loads than what i thought i might get when this got started. I am going to try my best in the coming week to qualify for the second penalty load, setting the stage for all of this. Of course, it would be a bit creul for my penalty owner to show up that night after i qualify for two penalty loads, and then not give me one until the end of the evening, meaning all the loads taken prior to that one would not count. Cruel indeed!

This has been posted to BarebackRT.com parties section...

In Anticipation

2010-12-18T15:08:00.000-08:00

In anticipation of one of the "mass load" options in my punishment poll winning, I will be available to carry out this addition to my penalty on Tuesday January 11th between 9PM and midnight. The most likely location will be Mack in San Francisco. The location could change based on instructions from my penalty owner. I am hoping I am able to obtain the one penalty load that I have qualified for before this date since at this point, after just two loads, all the others will not count toward my penalty (assuming I do not take any more loads before then). Per the instructions I have been given, this will be posted in a number of places to recruit tops to fuck and seed my hole. I will post in Craigslist, Bareback RT, and Adam4Adam at a minimum. I will be seeking tops or vers tops to use me. No PNP of any sort is acceptable, as you need to be able to get hard, fuck my hole, and give me at least one load (multiple cummers are a big plaus)!! If the blindfold option wins (as it appears to be on track to do) I will need a guy to "count cocks" to give me the total number of cocks I took. This guy should probably like fucking a sloppy hole so he can use me last... I suspect I will know the load total, although I could get a little confused... :-)

Cum help out if you're local!

Penalty Violations

2010-12-14T22:47:00.000-08:00

I let the owner of my penalty know that I violated the terms of my penalty twice. I came once at the party in San Francisco a couple weeks ago, and I also came once in Denver. Both times I came fucking hot asses. While I did not waste the loads, the point of my penalty is that I am to become a bottom cum slut whore. Me cumming works against this principle and risks reinforcing my former top self.

He says he is working on a revision to my penalty and I am going to pay for these transgressions. He has also made it clear that I am going to be a complete bottom, one way or another.

(The violation punishment is now indicated in a separate box above where readers can vote on my punishment for cumming.)

Names or No Names?

2010-12-14T22:32:00.000-08:00

Danny, Donny, James, and so on. There was a time when I knew the names of all the guys I had sex with. This was in the early days, no doubt, but that time did exist. One would not know this if they observed me in the present. As of this writing I have taken 42 different cocks and 17 loads up my ass in 2010. I have stuck my dick in 54 holes, loading 13 of them. In all but one case I cannot say I know any of these guy's names. While I do not regret this, I think something may be lost in all of this fucking without a name.

Every once in a while I will meet a guy that really turns me on. In those cases I try to make a little bit more of a connection and become friends on some level. I currently know, by name, four guys that I have particularly enjoyed hooking up with. Two of them have boyfriends and two of them do not. I have hooked up with all of them more than once. Three of them are HIV+ and one is not. The one that is not knows my status and we have not hooked up since I tested positive (his choice and I totally respect that).

Obviously this is not the norm for me. I met these four guys over the course of about five years. If we use the current year as a guide (and it is not over yet) this means that out of about 350 guys only four stood out. This is not to say that I have not had some amazing sex with "no name" individuals! Indeed I have, sometimes mind blowing! But, with these four I have had a special connection.

The first of the four guys I hooked with because he loved to give head. At the time, that is all I wanted. And I mean "that" is all I wanted 24/7/365, if I could manage it! He was more than happy to oblige. The objective was to just edge and not cum, and he would certainly indulge me on that point. This involvement evolved over time to one based on me topping him instead of getting head. I have never used a condom with him.
The next guy is the guy that is negative, and he was someone I actually kinda got infatuated with, a relationship of sorts beyond sex. This made my mind a complicated place for a while, as I already had a partner and this was not something I had experienced in the time since meeting my boyfriend. Over time we stabilized as friends only, but we also moved to me fucking him bareback a few times. (It turns out that this guy has been HIV+ since 2006, so well before me. I think I even fucked him a couple times since that date - interesting...)
The third guy is tremendously cute and in a convenient location. While I started fucking him before I became positive, we have never used condoms and he has always bottomed. One of these days I think I need to get underneath this cutie!
The most recent of the four is the owner of my penalty. He represents a shift for me. I think I have been searching for someone I could have a measure of trust in since seroconverting so that I could turn my ass over to him and get seriously used. This is the principle focus of this friendship. The results so far are that I am sliding right down into a bottom position that I am not so sure I will recover from. I find this hot, and so does he. Not that this is a wonderful idea, mind you, as there does not seem to be enough tops in the world. So, removing one and converting him to a bottom might seem like sacrilege. But it is done, so whatever... It is done, and I am gonna let him pound the nails in to make it oh so permanent.

So, if my focus seems to be on the "no name" sort of fucks most of the time, what is it that I think is missing as opposed to these four guys? Well, I wish I could establish a good network of fuck buddies that I could rely on to fulfill fantasies or needs as the cum up. Outside of going to a bathhouse or sex club, searching for sex can be a huge waste of time. And, it is way to often that I do not find what I need/want.

Right now what I need is to hook up with a group of about 8-10 (maybe more?) top to vers/top guys, maybe get tied face down on a fuck bench, and not be let up until they are satisfied they got what they all needed. In this act I would get what I need; to be put in my position as a bottom cum slut and loaded up beyond anything I have ever had done to me before. I am sure a group of 8-10 guys can pump 12 or 13 loads up my ass, no?

Without a good circle of fuck buds, I seriously doubt I will ever find this...

The Penalty

2010-11-29T23:14:00.000-08:00

So, I posted the "What If" post yesterday, then told the guy that is central to the posts 'Folsom Surrection' and 'Top Credentials Revoked' about this blog, which he promptly read. Instantly I found my Penalty owner. He has established my Penalty and some guidelines to carry it out as follows:

Central to the Penalty is the fact that I am not allowed to cum until he puts five of his loads in my hole, no matter how long this may take.
In order for me to get him to give me one of his loads I must get fucked by five guys and take two loads from them. So, really, I have to take 15 loads (a minimum of five from him) before I get to cum.
I am allowed to "save up" for two of his loads, but no more (ten guys and four loads). If I go over this number at any point before "cashing in"for a Penalty Load the additional cocks and loads will not count toward my requirement.
If I get fucked by him and he seeds me before I have achieved the minimum count to get a Penalty Load his cock and load will count toward the five and two requirement.
If I am able to get him to cum twice in one session, then the five cock requirement is waived for the current Penalty Load I am working toward and I instantly have what I need to "cash in" on one Penalty Load (this means three loads). This is the only short cut he is allowing me, as he wants me to become a total cum slut, so other mercy will not be provided.
I am allowed to fuck hole, get head, and suck dick all I want as long as I do not cum. He has not put any quotas on this as he wants me to focus on taking loads in my ass.
I must keep track of my progress here in this blog using a table for all to view.
If I cum before I have met the Penalty requirements there will be other conditions to meet.
These conditions and rules can be changed by him at anytime. I have no say in the matter.

So, as cliche as it sounds, be very careful what you wish for. I am on a course where I am gonna be on the bottom for a while... I was trending toward top again, and I told him this. He replied that we need to put a stop to that and when he is done with me he does not want to hear me describe myself as anything but a bottom cum whore ever again.

I have been raging hard and horny all day, but have not been able to find a top to get started. There are three opportunities on the horizon though: a) He wants me to come take his cock again on Thursday afternoon. b) That same night there is a bareback sex party in San Francisco, and if I go there after getting plowed by him and taking one or more of his loads I will not be able to control myself. c) In Denver next Monday night I expect to be at Denver Swim Club looking for cock and loads.

Any tops want to assist? I think this could take a long time if I don't start hunting and even begging if I have to! I already want to cum, and the longer this goes the more I am gonna want that...

What If?

2010-11-28T16:39:00.000-08:00

I walked up the steps to the door of the house with the number on it that I had been given earlier on BarebackRT. As instructed I did not knock, I simply opened the door and let myself in. Inside I found a number of piles of clothes and shoes and began creating my own by stripping to nothing except my cock ring.

Just beyond the entry way were some stairs which I had been told to take once I was naked and lubed. There was a large jar of Elbow Grease on a small table in the entry way, so I took a good sized dollop and spread it up my ass. Before I headed over I had also squirted a good amount of Eros up my hole as well, so I was ready.

As I walked up the stairs I could hear porn playing and guys talking in a room at the top. When I was about halfway up the front door opened. Two more guys arrived, obviously together. I glanced back and was amazed at how hot they were. One of them stared at my ass as they both got undressed. I was in for it, I could already tell.

At the top of the stairs I entered the room on the right and found five guys already stroking, sucking, and watching porn. Three of the guys were totally fixated on the ass getting pounded mercilessly on screen, without a condom in sight. Right at that point the guy fucking on screen pulled out, shot a thick string of cum on the bottom's hole, then shoved his cock back in while continuing to cum. A couple of the guys watching gasped with obvious need and desire. Boy was I in for it!

I moved to the foot of the bed as I had been instructed earlier and got on my knees. This is all it took to make me the center of attention, as I was to be the only bottom taking all their cocks and loads, and my doing what I had just done was the sign they were all waiting for. Instantly I had a hard cock in my face which I took in my mouth without hesitation. Two other guys began playing with my ass while a third got on his knees and started to push his cock inside me without much foreplay. I was here for one reason and these horny dudes were gonna get what they came for.

The first guy in my hole came pretty fast, but in buckets. I could feel my ass already juiced. The second guy also came quickly, then moved to the side to watch with the first guy. I then wound up over the edge of the bed where the other three guys, plus the two that had arrived when I was walking up the stairs, all started fucking my ass for a few strokes then trading off. Somewhere along the way three more dudes showed up and I could not keep track of who was in my hole. In fact I had a hot cock in my mouth and really did not have the ability to do much more than focus on sucking that cock while also getting plowed.

This went on for a long while and then they each started cumming. I tried to keep count of the loads, but was not in a frame of mind to be accurate. Somewhere along the way I heard the guy that I had been sucking the whole time say, "that's load fourteen" at which point he pulled out of my mouth and got behind me to unload himself. Fifteen loads from ten guys in two hours, all in my ass!

I thought I was done, but someone was walking up the stairs just then. Two guys entered the room and immediately knew what to do. The first one jammed his cock in my ass without even lubing up and came as soon as he was inside. The other then replaced the first and fucked for a good fifteen minutes before spewing his load in my ass. The guy I had been sucking earlier decided he was going for seconds and then plowed the final load into my ass (I later learned that he was our host). Eighteen loads done!

***************************************************

I am a long way from achieving this. The most I have actually pulled off is eight cocks with three loads, at the Steamworks in Berkeley of course. I recently was in Chicago and went to the Steamworks there, managing to take five cocks and three loads, which was incredibly hot.

The first load was from a dude that put a condom on, which I nudged off gently before getting him in my hole through a glory-hole. As the condom rolled up his cock he got harder and harder, obviously wanting some raw ass. He came fast and a ton, the smell of which was sweet! The second guy was a fit 30 something guy, that at first seemed to not have the biggest dick, but persistence paid off. He got quite large before mounting me on a very public fuck bench, while an audience watched and fondled us both. He fucked a while then buried his load deep. While the second guy fucked, a really cute young blond guy came along and was watching. He obviously wanted some, but was surrounded by other guys trying to get his attention. He split, but I was sure I would have his cock. Later I found him walking the hallways alone and he immediately followed me. I headed back to the fuck bench and he mounted my ass raw. He fucked a long time before pulling out to shoot on my hole, then jammed his wet cock back in my ass. Oh how I love Chicago!

So, I have gotten some hot times and a reasonable number of cocks and loads in one session, but nothing like the eighteen I outlined in the "What If" post above. Why did I write this then?

Well, as 2010 comes to a close there is something that needs to be addressed. At the beginning of the year I set out the following rules for myself:

I cannot cum unless I first take a load in my ass from another guy.
I can only cum if my cock is buried deep in another guy's hole.
If I cum in any way not consistent with the above two rules I will have to perform some act that will be defined by my followers through a poll that I will post offering the options.

I chose the number eighteen as the load count in my post because I have probably gotten sucked off a couple of times and jerked off a number of times totaling about eighteen loads that have been shot in violation of rule two. I was also, for a while, in violation of rule one, although I am now in compliance with this rule. This means that rule three is applicable and I must submit for the penalty. In a poll of my followers conducted at the beginning of the year, the penalty that won was that I would have to submit to a follower of my blog for a prearranged group of tops to use. I am thinking that it would be appropriate for me to take as many loads as I wasted in the year, thus the number eighteen.

There are a couple of opportunities coming up for this. One, next Thursday there will be another bareback fuck party in SF. This party is posted on BarebackRT, so all that is needed is someone to take the reigns... The other possibility is that I will be in Denver from December 6 thru 8. If anyone there thinks they can align the necessary penalty I will submit.

Of course, if someone wants to setup the "What If" scenario in their home as spelled out earlier, that would be most welcome. The Steamworks could also be an option. Final word though; I do not own the penalty. What I have written is a suggestion. Then penalty is up to he who becomes the master of it. Only rules I have are, no drugs, no fisting, no piss, shit, or pain (that does not normally come with getting plowed).

If someone signs up for this and you want to write out the penalty I will post it here, unedited by me in its entirety, if you wish.

Make me pay up!!

Top Credentials Revoked

2010-11-06T00:06:00.001-07:00

Apparently my days as a top are history. At least for now. I have taken a rather hard dive toward bottom and seem content to stay here for a while...

While I have to admit that I have been straddling the line on this for a while now, the guy mentioned in my post Folsom Surrection is chiefly responsible. He thinks it's funny, and actually, so do I.

I visited him today, and got plowed royally! Plowed like I have not since I was much younger. In all sorts of positions and for like an hour and a half. Of course, we concluded with me taking his load. I did not cum, and that was not at all important to me, a sure sign that bottom days are here for a while... He is now calling me his "little cum whore", and I am indeed...

Where do I get my next cock and cum fix?

Folsom Surrection

2010-10-17T01:34:00.001-07:00

I had no idea. I had no such plan. My focus was the usual. Top some ass, enjoy, and run... Maybe get fucked, but that was an "outside chance" kind of deal.

Instead, I got kissed. A kiss that disarmed. A kiss that made me submit. A kiss that took from me all reservation.

Now all I want is that kiss. And that cock.

Before Folsom I had dabbled in bottoming but started to trend back toward being my same old top self, but then I went to that bareback party mentioned in my previous post. There I laid eyes on a guy that I would later come to identify as a guy I had chatted up months prior on BarebackRT. His profile says he is verse. Word is he is more bottom than verse. But with me, he is complete alpha. How?

I saw him arrive, and I then became very focused. I watched him undress, check his clothes, then move into the main room. I followed, managing to come into his path quite fast. I felt myself turning my ass toward him. His cock in my hand, I realized that I was asking for it, but still did not stop. He tried to go in fast, and I could not take it. We tried that three times, and he finally said "it's pretty big". I said, "I know this!" grinning like a fool, I am sure.

I finally asked him to let me back up on it at my pace, and once he was in he could go at it as he pleased. He let me try my plan and in no time he was digging in balls deep and I was loving it! He came.

We parted ways for a while, as I went searching for more from someone else. After a while I found myself back in his vicinity. I watched as he mounted other guys holes, and he enjoyed head from a couple of others. I was doubtful I would take more from him.

He, apparently, was as aware of where I was, as I was of where he was. At one point he came over to me and asked if I wanted his cock up my ass again. I said sure, but I was not really sure. It is then that he started kissing me.

The kiss was very directional. It was from him and to me. I was a target. The kiss was a weapon to disarm me and I went down hard. Once he had me defenseless he directed me to another location and I did as told. It was here that my need for his cock was established and reinforced. Down I went!

He plowed a good long time, kissing me over my shoulder on occasion, just in case there was any resistance to his cock building in my mind. There was no such resistance. He had already destroyed it. He came again.

I thought my job was done, and started looking to engage with others that had been watching us. He had other ideas. He kissed me again, and I was locked in place. He stroked his cock, which was still very hard and told me to not go anywhere. For some reason I took this as instruction to turn around and bend over, which I did. In he went, and he came so hard and so much that I felt the steams inside me.

I have since chatted with him on BarebackRT, and he has plans for me. My top sense is currently missing. I don't need ass, I just need dick. I need his dick. And his kiss.

The plan is that I will submit, without reservation, and do as I am told. I am already submitting since I cannot tell him no. I am soon to get fucked like I have never been fucked, and I am sure he will start with his disarming kiss! I am about to find out just how bottom I can be, and there is nothing to stop me from going there! Nothin at all!!

Down I go...

Where Have I Been?

2010-09-28T22:37:00.001-07:00

I have received a number of messages from guys wondering where I have gone. Some ask if I am ok. Indeed, I am doing very well. I am on the cusp of hitting the one year mark for being HIV+ and I have to say, my world is a different place than it was a year ago.

Why?

If you remember, throughout my writing here I have been less than willing to toss in the flag and give up on life just because of a little bug. In fact, I indicated early on that I really consider it to be a wake up call, as I am not going to live forever. As a reminder, I was not going to live forever before this happened either, so death being a part of my future is nothing new, just more considered.

I have been off line with not much new to report because I have been busy. I had the country of Russia on my list of things to do/places to go. Well, starting early in September my partner and I set out on a round the world jaunt touching down in Hong Kong, Macau, Shanghai, Moscow, St. Petersburg, and Amsterdam.

Russia, of course, was the crown jewel of the trip. Specifically, Moscow was spectacular! In the run up to this trip I put my sex drive in a state of hibernation to avoid any possibility that a tricky little infection could spoil the trip.

Don't worry though... I am back, and I am on a roll already! I have fucked eight holes, loading two of them, and gotten fucked by one very large cock on a super cute boy, taking three of his loads. All of this in about 10 days. As for the dude that plowed me real good, what is it about such a fucking that seems to turn me out as a total bottom for a while? All he would have to do right now is sneeze and I would be on the end of his dick in an instant. Before this I WAS trending toward top again, but now look at me... :-)

The Blog

2010-07-31T11:10:00.000-07:00

This blog can serve lots of different purposes for lots of different people. It can be jack-off material for some. It can be a catalyst for others to intolerance and hate. And for still others it can be therapeutic. I have heard from readers in all three categories. I am sure there are other ways readers can connect with the material as well...

For me, as the writer of this blog, I fall mostly into the "therapeutic" column. This is especially true when I hear from someone that reads my writing here and identifies with what I am talking about, whether that be on a guttural cock in hand level or an emotional level. The idea that someone else identifies with who I am provides validation like nothing else seems to.

It is easy to believe that I am the only one that is fascinated with bareback sex. It is easy to believe that I am the only that engages in slutty behavior. It is easy to think that I am rotten to the core, because I must be the only one. Right? It is easy to believe all these things in spite of the fact that the Steamworks, the local adult book store, or some other sex venue is full of guys doing the same things I am doing. They all probably don't do it like I do it and don't think like I do. This must be true, right?

Well, to hear from other guys saying that they have either done as much as I have, more than I have, or wish they could get the nerve up to do half of what I have done helps clarify reality. The reality is that I am quite normal. Perhaps I allow myself a little more slack than others might for themselves, but I am certainly not alone.

On the therapeutic side for readers, being able to read details about things they may have done or really want to do helps them to not feel so isolated. Also, for those that are HIV positive (either newly so or having been positive for a while) just the idea of seeing one's thoughts and experiences validated by someone else can be helpful. Those validating thoughts go beyond the sexual and into the "how do I feel about my HIV status".

At the end of the day it is important for all of us that are HIV positive to shrug off the bullshit that society wants to paste on our foreheads. I am not evil. I am not a sad person. I am not doomed. I am just me, and I really do have a life and a future. Stigma shall not be owned by me.

Crazed!

2010-07-24T04:15:00.000-07:00

There was a party in SF last night. An all bareback party at that!

While there were condoms available throughout the club where this took place I never saw anyone take, open, or use one in the entire three hour period I was there. And why would we? It was meant to be a bareback party and that was why we were all there.

There were probably over 100 attendees in all shapes and sizes, age ranges, and colors. Definitely something for everyone.

The fucking one could observe was constant. Bottoms asses getting used, tops asses in the air moving to a rhythm driven by their hard crazed cocks working the bottom's holes.

I arrived hoping to get a little of both topping and bottoming. As it worked out I first got some head that really set me up for the rest of the time I was there. After three different very talented mouths I was crazed beyond belief and set out to find some hole to use.

The first ass that caught my attention was one propped up for anyone and everyone to use. It looked inviting but I just observed and resisted. Instead I hooked up with another guy for a while that was a little less "public hole" oriented.

As the evening wore on I managed to get into one young guys ass in a sling, revisited the first guy I fucked, exchanged him for another hot ass while another top replaced me, then wound up where I first started, drawn to that first ass. The "public hole" that I had resisted earlier.

When my cock slid in it was obvious that this is where I should have started in the first place. It had the perfect grip, not to tight and not at all loose. Smooth and warm and impossible to escape from with one's load in tact. I edged and fucked and lost myself in there for a long time, but finally could not hold back, pumping my load right inside. Next time I attend this party, if I see this ass propped up like that again I am diving in without hesitation, perhaps starting there and returning four or five times for more and to finish up.

I never got cock up my ass at the party, but my top sense was totally reinvigorated and now I need to fuck, so where to begin?!?!

Log Drop

2010-07-24T03:52:00.000-07:00

Not long ago I posted that I had started meds. I had indicated that if all went as normal my doctor expected a 2 log drop in viral load and a reasonable uptick in my CD4 count. It did not go exactly as he expected. It went much much better!

The actual numbers came much closer to a 3 log drop in viral load and my CD4 count shot up almost 3 times over the last pre-med count observed!

To say the least, I am very excited about this! Now if I could just get back on my bike and get my ass to the gym we would be on a rather good track...

Without a doubt these numbers give me a rather immense respect for the pills in the bottles downstairs, and I am very fortunate that I did not wind up in this position a long time ago... If I had, I very likely would already be dead.

Love

2010-07-11T23:46:00.000-07:00

Do I still love him? Yes.

Am I "in love" with him? Probably not.

It has been sixteen years since we first met. We have had a lot of fun together, and I know of no other person that I have ever connected with like I have with my partner. Trouble is, I am increasingly not sure this is where I belong right now. Not because I have met someone, or even that I want to open the gates so I can meet someone. It is different that that.

He is negative, and of course I am positive. This does not mean much, since we have not had sex with each other in almost nine years. In fact, we really are not intimate in any way. Increasingly I like to have my space and I think he likes to have his. Maybe space is what my feelings are all about...

Does this mean we need to part ways? I am uncertain about this. We have things. We have animals. We have normality. If I give that up what do I get in its place?

No answers right now. No answers, just questions.

Nine?

2010-07-11T23:37:00.000-07:00

Try zero!

I did not make it to the party Friday night, but I did go to Steamworks Saturday for a few hours.

While the place had plenty of guys, many of them more than interesting, I could not get a load to save my life! I managed to get four cocks up my ass, one not really all the way in, two that went ALL the way in then insisted on going and finding a condom, and one that relished the chance to fuck. But, no loads.

I fucked five holes then finally was seized by a more than capable mouth which I could not escape from without giving up my load, which concluded my visit...

Fuck Me Tonight!

2010-07-09T18:55:00.000-07:00

Last night I spent some time trimming up my body hair then I cleaned out my hole. I had bought a shower attachment that can squirt water up into my hole the day before and wanted to give it a try. Previously I used a bulb mechanism that did alright, but it was not really a thorough process. I have to say, I think this new device works like a charm and I am completely pleased!

This morning after my shower I went through my regular body lotion routine. The last thing I usually do is apply some body gel to my privates including my ass and hole. When I applied the gel to my hole I immediately realized that it was in prime condition for someone's enjoyment. I mean, I had fucked a few asses that felt like mine felt this morning and I had been totally happy with what I got. Don't doubt that this made me horny at the thought.

Tuesday I had decided that I wanted to double the number of loads I had taken so far this year, before the weekend was out. I went to Party Time in San Jose to get some head and get spun up where I found three good mouths, the last one the best. This last guy had me hard as could be when he suddenly turned around and took it raw through the glory hole. Very nice ass!

I fucked him like that struggling to prevent cumming, but I lost that battle and planted a load deep inside after about 15 mins of play. I thought that would probably derail my idea of doubling my "loads taken" count, but here I am on Friday afternoon, horny, wanting some dick, wanting some loads.

There is a large bareback party in SF tonight, and I am angling to go. I should go wash out my hole again, take a short nap, walk the dog, then head up for some fun. Before my visit to Party Time I needed seven loads to double my count. After Party Time I now need nine (keep in mind that I am supposed to take a load before I give a load, so I have to make one up before I can actually double my count). Also, the point is to double my load count before I cum...

So, tonight I am out to take some loads! Nine of them! If I don't find them at the party I will continue hunting until I get them. So, cum out and fuck me!

Meds

2010-06-27T15:23:00.000-07:00

On June 14th I started my meds. My CD4 count had dropped precipitously in recent weeks to 287. That makes it time... Crossing the line from med free to taking them daily has been the most dramatic thing about all of this. I did not want to do it. I did not want to put this stuff in my body. But, the math is simple, take the pills or be significantly ill before Christmas...

So, I started.

So far it is not causing major issues. I had a mild case of a rash within the first week, perhaps a very mild case of the runs, and a spell of dizziness after one particular pill. All of these side effects lasted the first 4-5 days and appear to have resolved themselves. Also, I have read more on these meds (Isentress and Truvada) and what I have found is that this combination is likely to be the most effective and least impactful from a side effect view (of course there are varying opinions on this).

So, next stop? My regular CD4 and viral load test on about July 14th. Of course, the hope is that the 2log drop in viral load my doctor says should normally occur actually does occur. If all goes as usually does for folks on these meds, I should be in undetectable territory by the time of my next test in mid-August.

As for my spirits? I feel better about where I am at now than I have in the last couple of months. The crisis of mind that my dropping CD4 count and ensuing med usage caused seems to have moved on. So much so, that I went to the Steamworks for the first time in months on June 19th. More on that in an upcoming post! I also appear set to do as I wish in July, so I have some ideas about where to prop my ass up in the coming weeks. I will be sure to post the details... ;-)

Focus

2010-05-07T14:35:00.000-07:00

As the AIDS/Lifecycle approaches next month I find myself totally consumed by training, fund raising, and work. I barely get anything else done. Of course, this also means that sex is a dormant subject at this moment.

This is fine actually. In my training I am meeting tons of cool people, making friends, getting in my mileage (up to 82 so far, but expect to do my first century this Sunday), and learning a lot about myself, my bike, and nutrition. This could not be more therapeutic.

I also find that I am changing inside. I am not sure I can put words to it right now, but I do sense that I am becoming someone else. I am not in my teens. I am not in my 20s. Indeed, if I am honest, I am not in my 30s. However, I feel some of the same movement in my life that I did when I was much younger. Perhaps I am coming to terms with some loose threads in my world.

Does this mean no more bareback? Can't say for sure, but right now the rule still stands. No condoms. NONE! What is different is my willingness to hook up on a moments notice with just about any hot guy appears to be on hold. We will see if this lasts.

Since last October I would have to say my whole world has shifted. While there are some things that appear uncertain (were they really all that certain before I tested positive?) I have this sense that things have only changed for the better. At work, inside my head, at home. All of it is better and much improved.

Excuse me while I go ride my bike for a while...

An Update

2010-04-10T17:03:00.000-07:00

Don't take my recent silence as anything other than taking a break...

Last Sunday I went to the Steamworks and fucked three holes, loading up the last one. Seems a bit of my top status is rearing its head... Appears I am not becoming a TOTAL bottom yet. ;-) - Not that being a total bottom is a bad thing, cuz its not. Total bottoms are all about making cock happy, and some of us need that once in a while...

I'd be lying if I said that I never feel down or need to readjust my thinking to stay positive. Recently I have had a few days where I am bummed out a bit. I just have to stop myself and realize that I have control over how I think and feel. Getting out on my bike helps break this shit down.

Today I rode 45 miles from my front door to the south end of Coyote Creek Trail and back. While freezing towards the end, I cannot say that there is any better mind medicine for me than being on my bike. It totally helps me restore that attitude that looks at adversity as only something that slows me down a little, but I do not have to let it stop me cold.

So, back to being defiant! Pushing on into a new week.

By the way, if anyone that reads this is in SF I will be staying at the InterContinental both Wednesday and Thursday nights. I am sure I will be able to find a couple hours to host a couple guys along the way. One bottom and two or three more tops? Me bottom and host three or four tops? Three or four totally vers dudes swapin' holes and loads. I am flexible...

Email me at crazed95112@yahoo.com to set something up!

So, It Is True...

2010-03-29T21:40:00.000-07:00

Previous to last week the information I had to go on that I was HIV+ was a viral load test that is done on a periodic basis. This, together with a person's t-cell count and related percentage, gives an indication of where one is in the HIV lifecycle on the path to full blown AIDS. I had not yet seen an actual positive test result for HIV antibodies. I did see an inconclusive test back in October, meaning that my actual status was unclear, but not an HIV+ result.

For my most recent testing cycle I asked my doctor to do the anti-body tests again so I could see the result that we already understood to be the case. Of course, it came back in full bloom. In the previous set of tests we actually had drug resistance testing done, and it turns out that I have a strain that is highly susceptible to all lines of current medication. In short I am indeed HIV+ and I have options.

What I do not appear to have is lots of time. My t-cell count was at 438 in this most recent test cycle. While I am not currently on a danger line, this number (along with a look at how the t-cell count has fared over the last six months) seems to say that I will be taking medication within another 12 months if not sooner. Some guys get years, I appear to have up to about 1.5 years max. With 350 being the line where medications are definitely recommended, I have about 88 to go. We burned through about 30 in the last six months, so I guess you can do the math...

I am ready though. I have done some reading and I think starting sooner rather than later is a better option for me. While the pharmaceutical companies won't say so, there is anecdotal evidence that taking medication and getting to a state that is called "undetectable" reduces risk to others that I play with. Also, it seems that the longer HIV is left unchecked the more potentially irreversible damage it can do to the immune system. Both points lead me to think getting started soon is in everyone's best interest.

The only thing holding me back at this point is a trip I have scheduled for September. Visiting Russia is a lifelong goal that I want to act on before I have to take medication. While it may not really be an issue, I do not want HIV to be something that derails this goal if I can help it. So, the plan is to hold off until after this trip. Once done, even if I am at roughly 408, which is what my estimate is for where I will be, I am diving in and getting started... If things turn down sooner, I will do what I have to do earlier.

In the mean time, I will ride my bike (the AIDS/Lifecycle is coming up in just about two months) and I'll get over the the Steamworks every now and then to take and give hot loads with hot guys... I may even have a hot guy lined up for Sunday that likes to eat ass and plow it, meaning I will spend a few hours on my face contemplating where I am at...

It is ALL true...

Gettin' Fucked...

2010-03-20T12:23:00.000-07:00

Went to the Steamworks last night as planned. Only one guy said anything to me about my blog, and that was after he had pursued me a bit without success. With the mention of the bog, though, I gave in and let him fuck me. I know he wanted more, but at that point in the evening I was having what I call a "doubt attack".

A doubt attack is where I am in the throws of play and I start thinking that what I am up to is not such a great idea. This happens from time to time. Before I became HIV+ it happened all the time. While less menacing and less frequent now, it still does happen on occasion.

The reason for a doubt attack is that I still have risk when playing bareback. Just because I am HIV+ does not mean I am home free. There are a host of other things that one can be affected by (I won't be listing them here). Playing at a bathhouse, in what might be called an unhinged manner, is an excellent way to set myself up for these problems.

By the time this guy said something to me about my blog I had already been fucked by three different guys and taken one load. That made him number four, immediately following this short Asian dude with a super fat dick. In a way I was incapacitated when he seized his opportunity, as I was getting sucked at a glory hole by a very talented mouth, to say nothing of the Asian dude using my hole. I retreated to my room and sat out a few minutes to get my thoughts back from the doubts that had set in.

Later I was back at the glory holes getting some great head when a hot guy came along. He stopped and also got sucked with me. We made out while getting sucked which made me as horny has I had been earlier, before the doubts set in. He did wind up behind me, since I probably appeared to be in a state of heat, and I did get his bare cock up my hole twice, although briefly. When he came it was at the glory hole and not in my ass, which sucked. He made out with me some more while the Asian dude mentioned earlier used my hole again, edging his cock for a while. This session restored me to my hungry self and I was now over the top horny again.

Throughout the evening I managed to fuck nine holes, cumming in the last one. I can't say that any these stood out, and in fact I was, once again, more interested in getting fucked than fucking. Funny how different I am now compared with prior to sero-conversion.

I would say the highlight of the evening was this one smooth early thirties hispanic guy. He found me at the glory holes, again, getting sucked. He checked my ass out, it was obvious, and it did not take much to coax him behind me. His dick was very large, but it seems I am getting better at this, and was able to take it. He liked my hole enough to ask me to his room, and of course I followed.

He fucked me for what seemed like forever! I must have spent an hour with his meat in my hole. It hurt and felt great at the same time. When he came he pulled out and jerked his load out. I scolded him for this and put his freshly cum soaked cock back in my ass. He giggled.

I did learn his name, which I won't publish, and found his kisses to be sweet. I wish we had exchanged contact information, cuz this is the type of stud that I want to get plowed by when I am looking to get fucked. Going over the details in my mind, as I write this, gets me horny again. While he did not squirt in my hole, I am going to count his load since it was all over his cock when I put it back inside me, so that makes two in my ass for the night.

Finally, to the one and only dude I have sucked at a glory hole in decades. A cute, hot, fit white dude in his early twenties; he was standing in the glory hole area with his towel off. I could tell his cock was nice, even though he was not playing with it and the only light was from the oversized porn screen above. I found myself walking to the lower level and over to the hole nearest him, almost as an involuntary reaction to his presence.

I stood watching him through the hole as he started stroking his cock. He moved a little closer in small adjustments over the next several minutes, even smacking me on my mouth with his cock a couple times, but then he bolted from the platform. I though that was the end of that. Not so!

After I went to my room for a while I came back to the glory hole area to get some head and found my little blond dude standing right where he had been standing before, this time stroking his fully erect cock. I, once again, was drawn to the same hole below him and we repeated the same scene as before, with me getting smacked on my mouth with his cock more than twice this time.

He was teasing me, for sure. His cock was only a couple inches outside the reach of my tongue, which made me squirm. From somewhere inside me this sense of desperation for his cock in my mouth took over. I heard myself say "please" fearing that such an action might loose him. It did not. I was immediately rewarded with his cock shoved all the way into my mouth as he pumped for his pleasure. Never underestimate what the word please can do for you. ;-)

He withdrew his cock and alternately stroked it and pumped my mouth with it, edging himself for a while. The expression on his face told me he was totally enjoying himself. This made me even more submissive and eager to please him. When he came it was as he stroked his cock but it was touching my tongue, so I got the majority of his load in my mouth. After he unloaded I got his cock back in my mouth for a brief second and then he smacked me with it one more time before taking off. The thought that occurred at that moment was that I like the taste of cum and have not indulged that like in a long long time.

Nine hours, two loads up my ass, one load down my throat, eight cocks up my ass, and nine holes fucked. A rather busy Friday night...

Important Modifications to My Weekend

2010-03-19T05:28:00.000-07:00

In an earlier post I stated that if you could find me you should tell me that you read my blog. If you do so, I will take your load, no questions asked. This still stands, but I am doing it tonight only, which is Friday 3-19. This is only good for when I am at the Steamworks in Berkeley. I will arrive at roughly 7PM and stay til I am done. I expect to come close to running out my eight hour stay if not re-up for another. I will be getting a room when it becomes available.

How will you find me? I plan on running around naked except for a rather thick cock ring that has a thin line of rubber on the outside of it. I will also carry my towel in my hand. If you ID me, feel free to come up and tell me you read my blog and you want some. If I walk away without saying anything don't be offended, you should follow me because I will be heading to a gloryhole booth in the outback. Keep up with me, take your place in a booth next to me to claim your reward.

How many of you will I see there? email me at crazed95112@yahoo.com if you are local and plan on attending tonight.

Here We Go...

2010-03-17T22:41:00.000-07:00

On the cusp of a weekend with the house to myself and plenty of time on my hands! Does it help that I am now "over the top horny"? I have an incredible urge to fuck and, of course, to get fucked! I want loads as well!

Can't decide what the best course will be here. I definitely am aiming for the Steamworks Saturday night, from 7-midnight or so... But, I also think I should try before that. Friday night in fact. One guy is trying to put a group together and I might go. He wants guys that cum more than once, and since that is not me I offered to take everyone's load at least once instead. I now have an invite... He has seven guys lined up, including himself, so I might be taking a lot of cum up my ass...

I cannot wait til Friday!

Glory-Hole

2010-03-12T17:48:00.000-08:00

Stopped off at an adult bookstore this afternoon and got my cock sucked. Two different guys went at it for a while, getting me right on the edge where I like to be. The second guy had a nice cock and I sucked t for a while then turned around to try and take it. He went soft though.

After he sucked me a while more I tried again and this time got his raw cock all the way in my hole for a while, but he went soft again then left without giving me a load. Sucks!

Back on Track

2010-03-11T21:45:00.000-08:00

As I had posted a couple weeks back, I have been in a rather low sexual drive period recently. This appears to be lifting. I am horny and ready to fuck, very much in the top sense of the word... But, I also want cock and cum up my ass. I want both and I want lots of both. LOTS!

Good news is that I have the weekend of the 19-21 all to myself. I plan to start by visiting Party Time (an adult bookstore) from 7PM or so for an hour to get some head through the glory holes. If a nice cock presents itself and I can convince its owner to let me, I will take it up my ass raw and empty it of its juice. Then I may head up to the city to see what trouble I can get into (Mack after midnight?). I also plan on going to Steamworks Saturday afternoon for a few hours (7PM til about midnight) to see what I can accomplish. If a bareback party presents itself I am there!

I need to fuck and get fucked and I plan on doing exactly that! If you live in the Bay Area there is plenty of information above that will enable you to find me. Tell me you are tracking me down because of my blog and my hole is yours til you spew a load... ;-)

HIV+ Boys

2010-03-03T23:09:00.001-08:00

I never thought about this before becoming HIV+ myself, but there are some mighty fine dudes on this side of the line! MIGHTY FINE!

Oxymoronic

2010-03-01T06:19:00.000-08:00

Yesterday afternoon I went to the Steamworks in Berkeley. The place was crowded, as it always seems to be on a Sunday afternoon. I was not horny in the "top" sense of the word, but I was determined to get fucked. That is all I really wanted.

I headed for the glory-hole booths straight away and found this hot 20 something dude hanging out in front of the door to one of the booths with a plexiglass divider/glory-hole. He did not immediately take me up on my obvious offer from the other side of that wall.

While he watched I did take on another nice cock from the booth to the right of mine (facing the plexiglass wall). All I knew about this guy to my right was that his cock was large, cut, smooth, and nicely shaped. He fucked me for a while and then went deep with only small movements before stopping altogether. He stayed inside for a bit and I knew that he had just spewed his load inside my hole.

I left my booth for a while and wandered the place looking for more before heading back to see if there were any other guys to take on. This time when I passed the hot 20 something guy he did a double take as I walked by (he was still standing in front of the same booth he had been standing in front of earlier). I went back around to my booth and entered. The 20 something guy this time entered the booth from his side and dropped his towel.

I sucked his uncut cock hard, stood up to break open my Elbow Grease container, then lubed up his cock. He was much much harder when I lubed him up than he was while sucking him. Obviously he knew what was next and had that as a priority.

I turned around and let him slide right in. He fucked fast and hard. I could hear him moaning in pleasure through the hole at face level. I was loving making such a hot young guy feel so good!!!

His moaning got louder and he obviously shot right inside my hole without hesitation. Then he split...

Oxymorinic? Not really a word per se. Oxymoron is found in dictionaries as "something that is made up of contradictory or incongruous elements". Adding the "ic" makes the word into an adjective that has meaning to me for the following reason.

A friend of mine who lives in New York has been HIV+ for about a year longer than me. We were recently sharing stories of the things we have done since seroconverting and how those things sometimes border on what might have seemed crazy beforehand.

After telling him about one hook up in particular I said something along the lines that I must be nuts, to which he replied, "You are just relishing in your new status. It is oxymoronic really." He also related that he kind of went on a similar binge in the early days after he found out, but that this had largely subsided now.

I latched onto his statement. It says the whole of what I feel. I have gone over that oh so scary line to become HIV+ but now I have freedom that I did not have before. I can do things that I could only fantasize about before. I will indeed most likely engage in more such fun behavior, because now I can.

It is indeed oxymoronic.

Two Words

2010-03-01T05:38:00.000-08:00

Free Speech!

There is nothing more impressive about the American Constitution than free speech. You don't have to "get it". You don't have to understand it. You don't have to like it. But, if I want to say it I can!

There are those from the sect known as the Reicht Wing (Repugs, Xristians, etc...) that seem to think free speech is only applicable if they like what they hear or agree with it. If they don't then it must be evil or Socialist or some other bad thing and therefore should not exist. Irony would have it that the most anti Communist folks among the American public are the same ones that take this un-American position on free expression and thought when they do not agree with what they hear.

Well, if anyone reads my words and does not like them, tough shit!

You can move along to another blog or some other reading source if you don't like what I say. Same goes if you just don't connect in some way (either guttural/sexual or perhaps by understanding and relating to my perceived struggles in life and how I deal with them). I will not be bending my world to conform to someone else's ideal, so if you stay with me on this blog you have to meet me where I am at...

Free Speech!

Nuf said!

Everybody Dies!

2010-02-27T12:30:00.000-08:00

If you have ever watched the movie Dreamscape you will know where I get that phrase from.

As startling as it is, it is true. This morning we have news of an 8.8 magnitude earthquake in Chile with what appears to be killer tsunami waves on the loose. No telling how many people have died or will die because of this.

Everyday we get in our cars, ride our bikes, take airplanes, or just step onto the front porch to pick up the morning paper. All of these things can have a risk associated with it that could lead to our end. Even if we manage to navigate all of these risks for 70-80 or more years, eventually we meet our end. All of us. No exceptions.

This is important to realize, because those of us that are HIV positive (and perhaps those that do things that make HIV something of a dreaded threat in ones life - like barebacking when HIV negative) should keep the whole thing in perspective. Was I going to beat death if I avoided becoming HIV positive? Nope! Does being HIV positive perhaps change the span of my life? Maybe. But my ultimate fate is not changed in the least.

It is far more important, wether HIV positive or negative, to live one's life to the fullest. If this means getting out and traveling or spending time with family or whatever it is that is most important to you, you should get off your ass and go do it. TODAY!

I find that taking actions of my own accord and being in control of my life lifts me above my HIV status. I do this by getting out and doing what is important to me. Sometimes this is riding my bike. Sometimes it is travel. Sometimes it is hugging my animals. Sometimes it is working in the garden. Sometimes it is fucking or getting fucked (bareback of course). "Doing" is far better than sitting and pouting about where I am at.

Because, if you did not notice, everybody dies.

Judgementalism

2010-02-26T20:41:00.000-08:00

I had a guy on adam4adam write me today to scold me and tell me that I should be ashamed of myself. Ashamed of myself for basically looking to hook up with other guys while being HIV positive. Never mind that I declare that status in my profile to let others know what they are dealing with should they decide to hit me up. I guess I am supposed to be celibate for the rest of my life...

I suppose, in his thinking, it would be far better if I did not state my status and just said that I wanted to fuck bareback. Should I have lied and said that I am HIV negative? Would that have made him happy? Perhaps he was interested in what he saw in my photos and would have seized on the opportunity if I had only avoided telling the truth. Perhaps he likes to fuck bareback and was startled to find that someone he thought was interesting was actually out there and playing, even with an HIV positive status.

If a guy tells you he is HIV negative you are no safer while taking his raw cock in your hole than if he had said he was HIV positive. The words do nothing to protect you from the potential outcome. The only thing that can protect you is YOUR decision to not engage in condomless sex. Many of us that are HIV positive state clearly that we are, and you make your choices when YOU decide to play with us. Others choose not to state their status and some choose to lie. If you want to take raw cock or fuck raw hole this is the reality you face.

Who are these freaks that want to stick their head up their ass and pretend that anyone they hook up with must be negative. If you are HIV negative. If you also like bareback sex. Please do not pretend that you have no risk, if and when you engage in this gloriously awesome behavior. I was strictly a top and also choose to never ever use a condom and here we are. I am now HIV positive.

I am okay with my HIV status. If you wanna fuck raw, you need to come to terms with your risk and not blame anyone other than perhaps yourself if you find one day that you are on the other side of that line. It would be better, though, that you come to terms with the risk to the point that blame is understood to be what it is, a fucking waste of time and energy.

All of this is said to come down to this: In theory, everyone that reads my posts is an adult. This means we are each responsible for our own actions. I am not responsible for you and you are not responsible for me. I don't mean this in a cold way (I am not a hard core Libertarian but rather quite liberal, bordering on Socialist). Instead, I am talking about decisions and choices. You make yours and I make mine. The consequences or rewards of these choices are also each our own.

This is true even for my little friend on adam4adam. In spite of his judegementalism and naivety, at the end of it all, he is responsible for only himself and really should mind his own fucking business. Me? I fuck raw with any willing guy, as long as he is hot and in full control of his own destiny.

SF Cockpit

2010-02-22T18:42:00.000-08:00

I am angling for SF Cockpit on Thursday night. I have been three other times and always only fucked ass as a top. We'll see if that changes with this month's event. If the mix is right I could wind up with more than my record of taking two cocks and two loads in a night. The most I have fucked in one night is eight holes, so maybe that record can be broken as well.

It will be the first time there since becoming pos, so let the party begin! ;-)

A Lull

2010-02-19T21:19:00.000-08:00

Definitely on a sexual hiatus for the immediate future. Not interested in the least. And if I get a bit of an inkling I simply beat off. Makes four times I have wasted a load in 2010.

I suppose we will come back to the penalty as previously posted at some future point (I always recover from these down spells in a most aggressive way) and will come up with an appropriate way to meet my commitment at that time. There is a bareback sex party in San Francisco next Thursday night and I had planned on going, but these spells are most unmovable by me. I will either be ready for it or I won't. Right now, I think I won't...

Time will tell...

An Admission

2010-02-11T21:54:00.000-08:00

Dare I say this here publicly?

I probably should keep this to myself, but I made the rules and more or less submitted them for a vote. So I am going to own it and be honest and open about it.

On February 1 I stated that the next day I was to meet this one guy with a dick that was way to big, and that this was probably a bad idea. Well, on the morning of February 2nd I stroked my cock as I had many mornings prior, with the intent to not finish myself off. I was going to go meet this guy and take his load so I could later find some hole to put my load in.

Well, after stroking a good while I let it go. I broke the rules. Not only that, I have done it once again since. That makes two loads wasted. Fortunately for me, I don't have an enforcer at this time. However, there is a party coming up on February 25th and I may go. If someone wants to own this penalty that is the time for you to do it...

Email me at crazed95112@yahoo.com to get on the list to be the enforcer. More than one guy submitting such a request will be put up for a vote by the readers of this blog...

I have never taken more than two loads in one night. Wanna make that a fact of history and push it way out there? Email me!

How Did I Start Barebacking?

2010-02-09T21:42:00.000-08:00

Interesting question.

I have barebacked since I was pretty young, but when I began to understand how HIV was passed I sort of morphed into an oral only kind of guy. A receptive oral only kind of guy.

For years my favorite place to go was Blow Buddies, and to a lesser degree Steamworks, since the glory holes gave me what I sought. A hot mouth, lower risk, and a hot time edging the hours away. So, what exactly got me to change this all up?

Probably about 7-8 years ago I hooked up with this Spanish guy (yes, from Spain). Using men4sexnow.com we set up our meeting one day for later that afternoon. It was ostensibly because he loved to give head, and of course, I liked to get it. AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE!

I arrived to find his apartment pretty much all packed up. He said he would be moving in a few days. We went into his bedroom where he promptly got on his knees and went to town. He was good. I found myself on the edge pretty fast, and settled in for what appeared to be a good time. I was just riding that pleasure wave that I had become so addicted too.

It did not take him long to get to the point where he stripped his clothes off and hopped into his bed. Of course I followed. He sucked some more, but then announced that I should stick my dick in his hole raw. I declined at first. He sucked some more and persisted with the "raw cock up his ass" idea. I continued to resist.

Somehow, I honestly do not know how, we wound up with him on his back and me at the edge of the bed with his ass right at the tip of my cock. I still resisted. But, not for long!

He squirmed toward me and onto the tip of my cock, which I had little ability to resist by now. The one saving grace was that I was so close to cumming that it would be impossible for him to get very far down my shaft. I let him know this so he got up and went in the kitchen, returning with some ice. I was horrified when he put the towel full of ice around my cock! I did not loose my hard on, but I did back off that edge enough for the next thing that happened.

He got back on the bed, on his back. This time I pushed right into his hole without resisting his overtures. I could not move much because I was right back at that edge again pretty fast, but I was still balls deep in his raw hole. It felt awesome!

After enjoying his hole a while he finished me off by sucking the cum out of my balls.

Ever since this hookup I have not been able to resist bareback. Over time I have morphed from the tentative of this meeting to a total willingness to not only plow hot raw hole, but to take cock and the load that comes with it deep in my own ass.

How did I start barebacking? A bit unwillingly, but fortunately it happened...

Straight Guys!

2010-02-06T10:08:00.000-08:00

Do they get it?

There is this one straight guy at my work who is over the top sexy. My perception is that he is the perfect 'alpha male'. Confident, a little cocky - but not enough to ruin his calm self image. Tall and oozing sexuality without even trying, he definitely knows he is cute, that is clear. But does he know what effect he has on gay guys?

I kind of think he does. He will come sit in my cube and have a discussion, often about nothing; which, of course, is a bit disconcerting. I think he revels in putting me off kilter. And, actually, I do to. But, does he really know the full extent of the possibilities?

Since I have been letting my bottom side re-emerge I find his visits even more off putting than they used to be. Yeah, he has always been attractive, but I cannot say that I previously had this overwhelming urge to get on my face for him. Now, his presence makes that "squirm" reflex kick in and that has its own challenges indeed (is this what it feels like to be a cat in heat?).

I think he has no clue that all he would have to say is "let's fuck" and it would be a done deal. Nope, he has no clue!

Desperation Sets In!

2010-02-01T22:14:00.000-08:00

OK!

I give in. On January 29th I posted "Horny Beyond Belief". In that post I mentioned a guy that "is reasonable looking, but his dick is so big it scares me." And I fretted about how big of a mistake that might be. Well, tomorrow I plan on making that mistake. It seems to be the only sure load I can find right now.

He is cute, no lie. But his cock is WAY too big!

Trying to Get Off!

2010-01-31T20:11:00.000-08:00

So, I make it to the Steamworks this afternoon with high hopes that I would be able to take a load and then give one myself, cumming for the first time in 12 days. It did not take me long to find a hot guy willing to pump my ass raw through a plexiglass glory hole, and I am sure he was enjoying himself. But alas, HE DID NOT CUM!

I got lots of head, fucked two asses, and took one other raw cock up my ass. But I did not get a load, so I had to leave without cumming. Now I am totally a mess. I am so horny I am squirming in my chair as I write this. I need a load so I can get off!

This rule thing was my own idea and I intend to keep to it, but it is making me nuts! Not enough interested tops that fit my list of requirements within easy driving range. I will keep trying, but I fear I will just wind up cumming when getting head (I almost did three times at the Steamworks this afternoon) and then the penalty will be in my face! At this point, I am so horny that I will take the penalty. We just need someone to own it...

This Morning

2010-01-30T10:50:00.000-08:00

This morning was a continuation of what I described yesterday. I woke up to my coffee and wound up stroking my cock to within just a stroke or two of cumming. I got myself to that point several times over an hour long period. Toward the end I felt myself getting into a zone that I often get into when getting great head at a glory hole or fucking a sweet ass. That zone is where I cannot stop even if I want to, and it usually results in a huge load being shot into the mouth or ass that is giving my cock such a hot time. It is rare that I get there by my own hand, but indeed I was edging right into that zone. In fact it was very tough to make myself take my hands off my cock, but somehow I managed...

The picture on the right is of my cock from this morning. It is at the peak of stimulation, just after I managed to pry my hands loose. I need to fuck and I need to cum, thus, I need to get fucked and take cum! NOW!

Horny Beyond Belief!

2010-01-29T21:45:00.000-08:00

In light of the penalty that is certain to be put in place with the close of the current poll (tomorrow) I am very motivated to follow the rules set forth. With that said, I have not cum now since Jan.19th. That makes it 10 days now. Not a record for me, but still a long time.

I wake up in the morning with sex on the brain. I sit down with my coffee, which seems to act as a short term viagra kicker, and before you know it I am stroking and edging my cock right up to as far as I can take it without breaking the rules. This morning I wanted to squirt so bad, but I also intend to follow the rules. The most extreme penalty is, of course, the one in place, so I have to be very careful.

While I am motivated to follow the rules for game sake and avoidance of the penalty, I am also motivated to not waste my cum. In 2010 my cum belongs in hot dude hole and nowhere else. Just the thought of that makes my dick hard. Of course, the big complication here is that I have to take a load before I can give a load, and this is proving to be so very very hard. Harder than I had imagined it would ever be.

There are guys I can get loads from, but I tend to be a little bit more picky about that than where I put my dick and its load. There is one guy that is reasonable looking, but his dick is so big it scares me. Do I dare? I fear that holding to the rules will cause me to accept his offer somewhere along the way and I think I will truly regret that move. Seriously!

Sunday I think I will head over to the Steamworks after my ALC training ride. I will do this unless I find a reason to go with one of my fellow rider's to their place. At the Steamworks I usually am able to find reasonably good looking guys with reasonable cocks, plus going at it in public places is extremely hot! Sundays also seem to have my type of guys, so maybe I can add some to my load count to maintain a reserve. So, if you are local to the SF Bay Area, the Steamworks on Sunday afternoon around 2PM might be a good place to be if you are a hot top with a load to give!

ALC 9 Kick Off Party

2010-01-27T20:56:00.000-08:00

So, on Sunday I went to the AIDS/LifeCycle Kick Off Party at Club Mezzanine in San Francisco. Since this is my first year riding (see my plea for your support near the top of the page) I did not really know what to expect. I knew I wanted to meet my cycling representative and see what the crowd was like, since I will be spending several days out on the road with these people.

I walked in and the music was pumping. I did not expect that Club Mezzanine would be used as, well, Club Mezzanine, but here I was and indeed it was being used exactly that way. There were cookies and cake for free, which was not exactly club like , but if you wanted a drink you indeed could buy one, and most people had one in hand.

What else did I find? Well, I focused in on a table setup by a group called the Positive Pedalers and got some information from them about their training rides. Ahead of me was a younger guy that I thought looked interesting and indeed he was. When he was done and turned towards me I immediately recognized him from BarebackRT.com. He is a guy that have drooled over for some time now, and here he was in front of me. He had just signed up for a particular training ride with this group, and now there was no way I was not also going to sign up.

That ride is a multi-day ride (spending two nights at a lodge up at the Russian River) and is not until May, but you know I am gonna be there! You will also be correct if you assume I will bring along a container of Elbow Grease, just in case. Did I tell you that his profile says he is Vers Top? I may not have a sore ass only from my bike seat...

Downtime Revised

2010-01-25T18:18:00.000-08:00

Seems the period of "hibernation" I alluded to a couple of days ago is already over. It is not nearly what I thought it was going to be, and I am back "on it" as far as the hunt is concerned. I stroked my cock for a good 45 minutes this morning, getting all edged up and hungry. I could go for some hole right now, but I have to keep my rules in mind. I am sure many of you are hoping I will break my rules, but I am going to try and avoid that.

Even if I break the rules, there is not a top signed up to enforce the penalty, so nothing would come of it anyway. I think I am shortening the poll time frame, leaving just one more week for guys to vote. Let me know if you are a top that wants to help enforce the penalty that will obviously win. Tis the only way to make this work...

Dysfunctional Tuesdays

2010-01-23T23:30:00.000-08:00

If my mother was still alive I would not tell her. I would keep the whole thing a secret from her without a doubt. She was the type of person that would take her travails (and those of her family) and make them complete and utter end of the world scenarios. For that reason, I would not tell her a thing.

Somehow I have risen above such dysfunction. I like to call myself dysfunctional. In fact, someone will ask me how I am doing in the morning and I will respond "dysfunctional". I believe that dysfunctional is normal. The word and the things that are associated with it are all normal life. We are taught, for some ungodly reason, to believe that our lives are unbearable and that everything that goes wrong must result in our being dysfunctional or less than healthy. Nothing could be more nonsensical at all.

I have my down days. I am sometimes sad, confused, unhappy, or some other unpleasant condition. But, more often than not I am upbeat, confident, happy, or some other positive state of mind. I have my up days. Either path is normal life. I might be dysfunctional, but it is a normal state of mind, not something that requires avoidance and a pill.

My mother let the world around her teach her that her troubles were unbearable and that she should just give up. She should just take a pill and all would be better. She took the pills (which I do not think she really needed) and all was not better. Over time those pills altered her state of mind for the worse and her imagined impenetrable barriers actually became just that.

No, somehow I have avoided learning the same things my mother learned. Instead, I take what life gives me and deal with it straight on. I found out that I am HIV+ just three and a half months ago and yet 2010 is off to an awesome start. I have little reason to give up and sit down in defeat. In fact, I have no reason to let this happen at all.

I write this in the hope that someone reading this with some extremely challenging situation in their life might find a way to put that challenge in perspective. Is it the worst thing that could happen to you? Really, is it? For me, being HIV+ is not the worst that could happen to me. There are other more challenging scenarios for sure. I hope others facing the same issue can see it for what it is, just a bump in the road that can be navigated...

Downtime

2010-01-22T22:25:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while I go into hibernation. It seems that I am starting one such period now. It has nothing to do with depression or anything bad, it is just a zone I get into that has me seeing a reduced libido for a while. I always cum back, usually suddenly, and sometimes with a vengeance. This time ought to be telling about my future sexual identity.

It was immediately following the last dry spell like this that I became HIV+ with that trip to the Steamworks, resulting in me fucking eight dudes. If this bottom thing lasts beyond the next cum back then what does that mean? Am I going to take 8-10 loads in one night at the Steamworks "lights out" party on a Thursday night? If you are a betting man I would put my money on yes regarding that possibility.

I definitely feel a sense of liberty regarding such things now and think it sounds hot to give it a try. I started to feel a little sense of "this is risky" in the middle of the night last night, but woke up feeling defiant again and saying "who gives a fuck!" If I want to get fucked I will... if I can find an acceptable top.

There are risks. The usual STDs, Hep C, a second strain of HIV, but I probably cannot do so much more damage to my future health than has already been done. In fact, the argument I listen to now is that there will come a time when fucking will be no more, and I enjoy it so much that I should not deny myself. I shall choose my partners with an eye toward quality, but I will get fucked just the same.

Yes, I am on the down stretch of my sexual rhythm chart, so to speak. But, watch out for when I am back. In the past this has lasted anywhere from 7-10 days and up to a couple of months, but it will indeed pass. I look at it as a period when certain things gel inside me. The recent expansion of my self vision (with the "I Did It" boy) will probably lead to some interesting times when this cycle passes. Anyone tops nearby that can meet me at the Steamworks in Berkeley when this thing passes?

More Bottom Observations

2010-01-21T05:47:00.000-08:00

For years I operated as a top, exclusively. Yes, there were exactly two specific times that I flipped in the past two years, but all of my hunting was as a top looking for ass to fuck. I can tell you that finding a bottom is not a huge challenge most of the time. I mean, I fucked 69 guys, all bareback, in 2009 so finding hole is not hard.

Flip that around. Since I am on a bottoming kick, at least for a while, I am now looking for dick. I am looking for tops. While there are some out there, I have to say that finding one that fits the bill all the way around is very hard to do. Online hook-up sites are impossible, and I think I only got lucky at the Steamworks last weekend. If I wanted to take 69 cocks in 2010, I think I would have a hard time finding them,. The only options would be for me to just go to a bathhouse, get a room with an open door, and lay flat on my face for a few hours without looking to see who was there. Not my style, although as a top I find that scene pretty hot.

I always chalked up the comments from my bottom buds about never getting enough, or not being able to find tops to being overly horny/sluty. While this still might be the case, I have a new found respect for their comments. It does indeed seem like there are not enough tops and way too many bottoms!

Changes

2010-01-20T07:37:00.000-08:00

There are two events in the last 3 1/2 months that have put me on a path of change. These changes are not all in place yet, but they seem to be mostly positive.

The first event is, of course, seroconverting. This event, as one would expect, has changed the way I interact with guys on a sexual level since I strive to keep from passing HIV on to others. But the changes reach beyond sex and into areas that one would not expect. Of course, I now work out more, and I eat better. But my changes go further than that.

Prior to finding out that I am HIV+ there were many things that would bother me. Situations at work, situations at home with my partner, all the typical things one faces. While I will not say that there is no stress related to these other things, I do think that I do a much better job of keeping them in perspective now. At work specifically, I let the politics roll off my back and continue with my job, making sure that lots of people know what I do and how well I do it, isolating any individuals that might want to keep me in a box.

Work is just one example, and there are many. But the short of it is that these changes are really an extension of the defiance that I wrote about in earlier posts. That defiance is permeating into all areas of my life. One might say that a little constructive defiance in one's life is a good thing, and I am finding this to be a core truth for my life in general.

In a way, this defiance led me to go to the Steamworks this last Saturday night.

I have a partner of over 15 years. We live together. We own a house together. We, along with our collection of animals, are a family. In the past I would not bring up in discussion that I wanted to go out and play with other guys. We have operated fairly independently on a sexual level for years now, but it was not really discussed. This led to some frustration on my part because I pretty much had to limit my sexual activity to early in the morning or just after work when I could arrange something in connection with my commute. Of course, one gets horny at different times and wants to do things that cannot be accomodated during the commute period. For instance, going to the Steamworks, for me, is a four or five hour ordeal.

Over the past six months we had worked out a way for me to do what I want sexually while maintaining our normal evening and weekend times together. Every other week or so I can go out on my own (and so can he) if I want. It can be a week night or a weekend night, no problem. It just cannot be all the time every night. For my part I just need to keep it reasonable.

The defiance part comes in where this last Saturday night, for the first time since I told my partner about my HIV status (he is HIV-), I decided to go out. I opened up a discussion that I would normally not open about all of the rules we had already worked out. We confirmed those rules and off I went. Maybe defiance is not the perfect word here. Perhaps it is better stated as confidence. But, I think they are closely related.

So, what is the second big event that is driving change? I take you back to the "I Did It" post.

Since the dude I wrote about in that post fucked me like he did, a lot of things seem to be in flux. I am no longer sure I am mostly top. I am not sure if I am vers either. I might be bottom, I don't really know.

How can an event of less than 15 minutes cause so much disruption? I don't know the dudes name. I don't know if he lives in the East Bay, South Bay, or San Francisco. I don't know if he has a boyfriend or a girlfriend. I know nothing about him, except two things. I know what he looked like (perfect from my point of view) and that he likes to fuck with his huge cock.

The connection I have with this guy is totally though his dick and nothing else. And that connection ripped from me a certain understanding of who I thought I was. This is not a bad thing. It is making me consider things inside of myself that I do not think I would look at otherwise. In a strange way his fucking me on his terms, not mine, is helping me center on me.

I suppose if I knew the guy and had his number things might be different. I think I would probably want to try and repeat the episode as many times as possible. As it is, though, this is not likely to occur. Is there a dude out there (or dudes) that would fit the bill like he did? I am not sure. Perhaps this is supposed to be a one time event, even though I want more. Whatever the case, I now have an opening to change that was not there a week ago.

Finally, this blog and my writing, while sometimes sexual in focus, also has a serious side to it. When I was in college I wanted to start writing, but for some reason I never picked it up and did anything with it. Through this venue and because of all of these changes in my world I feel compelled at times to write. One more positive change that starts with becoming HIV+.

At the end of all this, however, it is not HIV or a big dick on a hot nameless dude shoved up my ass that is causing all of these changes. What is causing these changes is a willingness to pick up my life, directly address my own adversity, and remain open to new experiences and life conditions. I have to say, that my world is far more interesting now than it was before October 1 2009.

2010-01-19T22:06:00.000-08:00

So, I used up the credit I had, fucked a hole, and came inside it today. Followed the rules, so I am still on track... From the looks of the poll, if I fail to maintain my adherence to the rules I will find myself on all fours taking a bunch of cock and loads without fail. To fulfill this penalty, though, there needs to be someone willing to take the reigns on this. I will pay for a room or we can find someplace to do the deed, but I should have no control whatsoever over how many and who the participants are. The leader of this task will make all of those decisions...

That is assuming two things. One, that I will fail to keep to the rules. Two, that in the next 70 days another selection does not win out.

If I fail anytime before the scheduled end of the poll whichever choice is leading at that time is the one I have to deal with. Otherwise, on March 31 at midnight we will know what I have to keep in mind for the rest of 2010...

As it stands now, I need a load to cum again. If I don't get a load I will have to be very very careful while stroking or getting head. I don't want to cum by accident!

Poll Comments

2010-01-19T05:32:00.000-08:00

Taking a look at my poll just 24 hours in, it is clear that if I do not want to get totally used I had better follow the rules as posted. So far I am following them to a T, and plan to continue. I could fuck and cum today since I am one ahead on loads up my ass, but I might just save that for when I am really horny...

Any guys in the San Francisco Bay Area want to own the results of this poll? Since I believe the one that will come out on top is already leading, I should put a plan in place to do it. If I fuck up I am serious about taking my penalty...

Bottom Tilted Observations

2010-01-18T22:01:00.000-08:00

Before Saturday night/Sunday morning I had a desire to cross the line and get fucked for the first time in years. I kind of thought of it as just a mile post of acceptance of my HIV status. A sort of celebration that I could cross that line if I pleased now, because the worst I had ever feared had already came to pass.

Here I am on Monday night and how wrong I appear to have been. I now have this overbearing urge to go out and find more dick to satisfy. I want to do for other top guys what so many bottoms did for me for so long. I want to help hot guys ride a wave of pleasure that makes them hungry form more. Only thing is, I can already see where this leads. It makes them want more and it makes me want more. What a vicious little circle of happiness it is... But, it is also frustrating. I DO have to go to work sometimes as well as do other things in life. Even if I would rather just lay on my face taking a hot cock instead. This is totally an unexpected turn of events!

This urge is not new to me. Many years ago when i was in college I would get this crazy urge to get plowed by some cute guy. The more cute a particular guy was, it seemed, the more this urge made itself known. Sometimes I could barely walk to class without being so overcome by this urge that I would wind up in some cruisey restroom looking for dick. Honestly, that happened a lot in those days.

Now, after almost a decade of almost exclusively topping, that feeling is back. I think in the last ten years I have been fucked by only four guys (not counting the two this last weekend) and only one of those four gave me a load. Now I am feeling like I won't be able to keep this at such low numbers anymore.

Why is this the case? Do I have some hidden issue that I never dealt with, a long time ago, now making itself known? Am I really just a needy person, even though I think I have my shit together and that I am pretty independent? These feeling do make me wonder about things like this.

But, it could also just be pent up demand, so to speak. I really stopped getting fucked to try and avoid becoming HIV+. I still fucked ass raw, but thought this was less risky than taking dick in my ass, and it indeed was. Now that I have crossed over that line, there really is not much reason to deny myself whatever it is I want to do. I suppose having such a hot guy pretty much seize control and do whatever he wanted was a substantial push, no doubt.

The one thing that I think we all tend to forget is that life is short. This is true with or without HIV. We forget this and deny ourselves things in the interest of staying safe. Of course we have to deny ourselves to make sure we stay housed, clothed, fed, healthy, etc... But, this has to be balanced with living. Someday I won't be fucking anymore. Someday I won't be able to enjoy the pleasures that I have before me today. It does not make sense to put away things that I love so much ALL THE TIME.

I love to fuck. I also, apparently, love to get fucked. I love to get fucked by a guy that takes what he wants for his own pleasure without considering me at all (as I have done so many times myself). I cannot deny myself either position.

For the immediate future I will probably be a tad bit more bottom than top. I will probably hunt for cock to pleasure. But, I also love my own dick and will hunt for hole to. The guy I topped Sunday morning, after taking those two loads, was real good. He had me edged up beyond belief. And, I caught myself taking notes in my head for my next engagement in his shoes. I only wish I could find my boy that started this whole process for me, and try to help him feel good a few more times...

I Did It!

2010-01-17T10:25:00.000-08:00

Or should I say a top dude I ran into at the Steamworks last night did it? I took his load (and one other from another dude) and then I was able to cum myself. First time in 2010...

This guy was probably about 6' 2" or so, late 20 to early 30s, very hot, very cute. I watched him go into a glory hole booth as he watched to see if I was going into the one next door, which I was. I sucked his cock through the glory hole between us. His cock was a perfect shape in a soft condition. He responded well and that nice shape maintained itself, although it got so large I began to doubt if I should try what I had on my mind.

I opened my little Elbow Grease lube container and put a good amount on my hole. I also started lubing up his cock. This made him harder, so he must have known my intentions. I turned around to try and get started at which point he touched my hole with his fingers then left his booth. I thought at this point that he might not be into bareback, and that I had lost him.

I exited my booth only to find him standing right there. He moved me back into my booth and closed the door. In my mind I was thinking "oh fuck, I am in for it now" and I was not wrong. Over the next few minutes I sometimes wanted to try and exit that booth, but was also compelled to stay and finish what I started.

I turned around so my ass was available to him, which he caressed a bit. I added more lube to his cock and grabbed his dick so I could begin to back up on it. I got maybe a 1/5 of the way onto it and he grabbed my hands to get them out of his way and said "just take it faggot". I got instantly hard, but I also got impaled faster than expected all the way down his shaft. Talk about a painful experience! But, strangely it also felt awesome. Not only was his dick way to big for a first time fuck in over two years, but his height kept me on me toe tips (I am only 5' 6"), if not sometimes off the ground completely, adding a bit to the pain.

I squirmed off three times before he really took charge and made me take it. He had latched onto me in such a way that I could no longer get loose, and he maintained that grip over the rest of the time he had his cock in my hole. I was not going anywhere, apparently. He fucked deep and hard for a bit to make sure I knew what I was there for before slowing down and pumping nice and slow for a while. He then whispered in my ear asking if I wanted to eat his load. I told him I wanted him to shoot it up my ass. This led to him slowing down even more and edging there for a bit before announcing "here it goes".

I actually felt my ass warm up inside from his cum as it flooded my hole. I pushed back on his cock as far as I could go, wanting to make sure I got it all. It took him maybe 8-10 pumps to finish. Both of us were exhausted and he proclaimed that I have a sweet ass. Having been exclusively a bareback top for years now I knew what his sentiment was about and that his cock must have felt awesome up my ass. As if getting a cute boy's load was not enough, this compliment, and the idea that I made him feel so hot really got me going.

I then went off to find another cock and load with my ass feeling very sloppy (this first guy obviously had a HUGE load - and I could smell the cum on my finger tips after adding more lube to my hole). Thing is, now I am not so sure I am 100% top. This morning I am hungry and not for hole, but rather to be put on my face and fucked silly. We will see if this lasts...

Some Details

2010-01-16T09:20:00.000-08:00

I have been asked by a few guys how I became HIV+. What I think is really behind this question is actually, "did I only fuck ass raw or did I get fucked raw to?"

While I have been fucked raw before, no doubt, the last time I took a cock and its load was over two years ago. I have tested neg. several times after that session so I am sure that I did not get infected at that point. In fact, my doctor believes that I was infected in a time frame that makes the visit to the Steamworks on October 1 a good candidate for that event.

While at the Steamworks that night I went around and fucked eight guys, all bareback, some of them more than once. I also got tons of head. I had taken a 20mg Cialis tablet earlier that night to ensure I could do what I aimed to do, get lots of ass over several hours!

I fucked guys through glory holes. I fucked guys that did ass to mouth and back. I fucked a guy in a sling. I fucked guys on a saw horse. I fucked guys that were laying on their faces in their rooms (never looking up to see who was using their holes). I just fucked... Of course, I totally wanted all of that and I think it was one of the hottest memorable play nights on the books. I DO NOT REGRET ANY OF IT.

Truth is though, in the three weeks leading up to that night I probably fucked another 10-12 guys, never using a condom. So, there are other possible venues for getting "pozed" as some say, but it came from me topping raw hole, not getting fucked.

It is true that a top has a much lower risk of getting HIV, but it is not zero. If a guy likes to bareback and he is a top, I say all the power to him! However, we cannot go down this path without recognizing that there is risk. You have to accept that risk, because anything less is lying to yourself. I had already taken the possibility in my head and understood where I could wind up, and here I am. It is not a bad place to be, really. It is NOT the end of my world and I will continue to fuck raw, and maybe even get fucked raw more frequently than in the past.

One Hole and No Loads Shot

2010-01-16T02:40:00.000-08:00

We are half way through January and I have fucked one hole (the first real good plowing I have enjoyed since October) but I did not cum. It was a hot assed latin guy that took two or three other cocks as well. I even got to double up on him with one other guy. This all happened at Mack in SF on a Monday night which is "naked night. Only shoes were allowed.

So, why did I not cum? Well, I am adding to my rules that I posted in earlier posts. These rules are a bit unforgiving but I am going to do my best to adhere to them.

1) No cumming unless my cock is deep in a hot ass. I can get head, I can stroke, I can enjoy a hand job or more at a glory hole. But, unless an ass is wrapped around my cock condom free, the juice is not cumming out.

2) And worse still, I am not allowed to cum unless I get a load in my ass first. This is proving to be the challenge. I could have loaded that guy up last Monday, but I had not taken a load yet. Still have not today. I am searching and trying and I am not getting anywhere. I sucked a hot guys cock through a glory hole Friday afternoon, then I lubed him up and turned around. I thought I was about to meet this requirement, clearing the way for me to cum for the first time in 2010. Instead the guy pulled back and used the lube I put on his cock to squirt his load all over the wall, hole, and floor.

I am going to try to live with these rules through 2010. We will see how it all works out. Any tops in the South SF Bay Area looking to pump another tops ass? I need a load to get off! ;-)

Wow!

2010-01-07T21:49:00.000-08:00

I leave this blog for several days and low and behold I now have some followers! Nine of them!

Wow! Why does this make my dick hard? Weird... :-)

It is January 7 and I have not yet fucked in 2010. In fact the guy I mentioned in my last post as being the only one since sero-converting was the last guy I fucked. I am beginning to miss it bad though and it is only a mater of time before I am planting a load in a hot hole.

Am I the only top guy that after sero-converting feels a certain liberty to also get fucked raw if I want? I won't say it is a huge urge in a sexual sense, but rather a feeling of wanting to take a load or two or three just because this is not the threat it once was. Time will tell if I do this, but it seems like a super hot idea!

I think the ideal time to fuck and/or get fucked will be next week. I will be staying at the Mark Hopkins hotel in a room all by myself Tuesday and Wednesday night. It was at this hotel that I fucked the first and second guy of 2009, so why not? Maybe I will squeeze something in between sales meetings. By the 12th I will have not cum at all for 16 days, making for some urgent needs... (I did not mention that another rule I want to adhere to for myself is not cumming by my own hand in 2010!)

All I can say is my horniness grows...

Defiance!

2009-12-23T22:20:00.000-08:00

On the face of it, someone that is not HIV+ might think defiance is a foolish response to having sero-convereted. Indeed, I have felt this myself a time or two over the past few weeks. But, here I am picking this back up exactly 29 days after my first post and 84 days after my likely exposure and I am left with one principal that I must live by, if I can call it that. I must seize from my most disinterested self my entire being and establish my own rules and conditions for existing in order to survive. This means nothing less than defiance.

Some of my defiance will seem as foolish as one might think my actions were that got me here, but one thing has always been true and remains so now. I set my course and nobody else can. I make my own decisions, my own limits, my own rules.

Rule one going forward - I will eat right, exercise, and generally take much better care of myself than I did before. In order to do this I have to actively pick up those things that will make this happen and do them instead of hoping that they will happen one day. The time for action is now...

Rule two - The time for living is now. I have always wanted to go to Russia and it is time to do it. Anything else that comes up like this needs to be acted on, not just hoped for. While I have really lived my life this way already, this is now even more important than it ever was. "We only live once..."

Rule three - No moping and feeling sorry for myself. Why should I consider this an acceptable behavior when it saps precious time and energy? No, I am not going there.

Rule four - No HIV negative guys. I will only hook up with HIV+ guys, guys that are less than certain about their status, or those that claim to not care. In the last two conditions, in particular, I will always reveal my truth and let them decide for themselves what is right for them. In keeping with this thinking, if there is a guy or several guys offering their asses at a bathhouse or at a glory hole somewhere to any raw cock that cums along, I am taking that at face value and I may "seize" the opportunity to do what I do without further discussion.

Rule five - Finally, no condoms will touch my dick ever again for any reason whatsoever. I know the new risks, just like I knew the risks before I was exposed. It is how I want it to be and that is it... This is not negotiable with even the hottest dude.

Rule five is probably the most defiant of all, true, but with that I have set my own rules... Before someone gets all wound up about passing along HIV to others and how this is irresponsible, I take you back to rule four. Others make decisions for themselves just like I make my own. If two or more of us decide to fuck we each know the risks and off we go. Putting responsibility for passing HIV to others entirely on those of us that are HIV+ is the most foolish action one can imagine. It lets those that fuck without taking responsibility for their own actions say "I did not know and someone did this to me" when they seroconvert. This is not something I have done, because I took responsibility for my actions even before I became HIV+. My condition is my own making, not the fault of the guy that I got it from.

While this might seem like I am setting myself down a course of sure destruction, one should consider a fact that has developed since October 1, 2009. Before that date I had fucked 68 guys in the calendar year. All of them bareback. Since that date I have fucked one guy bareback. So in the 40 weeks prior to that date I did about 1.5 guys raw per week. Since I have done one in 11 weeks. At this rate I might get through four guys in 2010. Maybe I will go on a fuck binge and make up for it, maybe I won't. Time will tell.

So, I am defiant. I will set my rules. I will live my life. I will not let HIV decide my fate. Beat that!

October 1, 2009

2009-11-25T22:48:00.000-08:00

That is the date this probably happened. There were other times that it could have happened, but that date was a good one. Eight to twelve bottom guys at the Steamworks in Berkeley, all bareback. I knew it could happen, but I did what I wanted to do anyway.

I don't regret it. Maybe I will someday, but not now. For now, it was hot, and my current situation does not change that. Also, I now find little reason to not proceed with my life as I want. Only difference now, I will not fear HIV.

I had thought through what fucking bareback could mean. I had considered what would happen to me if I sero-converted. So far, what I considered is mostly correct. I find I am not surprised.

Am I really as okay as I think I am, or is some bad situation lurking inside my head waiting for some future trigger. Either could be true, but I really do not feel doomed at this point. Instead, I feel defiant!